


Blonde to Black

by hermioneg1127



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: M/M, Past Abuse, Slow Build, Strangers to Friends, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:15:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24582178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermioneg1127/pseuds/hermioneg1127
Summary: Everyone is born with platinum blond hair. It’s common knowledge at this point. When you lose your innocence, your hair gets darker. But there are different degrees of innocence. In total, there are nine, with the ninth turning your hair a striking black.So when Roman Prince, Logan Crofters, and Patton Sanders met Virgil Anderson, there were questions, but two stuck out in all three of their minds.Why the hell was his hair black? And what in god’s name happened in his childhood that left his hair a deep brown?
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 168
Kudos: 399





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Light Cursing

Everyone is born with platinum blond hair. It’s common knowledge at this point. When you lose your innocence, your hair gets darker. But there are different degrees of innocence. In total, there are nine.

The first degree is the loss of honesty. It’s the first lie you tell. Everyone tends to lose this at an early age, causing their hair to become a light blonde. 

The second degree is the loss of integrity. This comes next because it’s typically lost when a child cheats on a test, causing their hair to turn blonde.

The third degree is when a child swears on purpose for the first time. It is common belief that children are not meant to swear, that it’s too vulgar. As an infant, a kid may say it without intent. But once it is said with intent, the hair turns to a dirty blonde. 

The fourth degree is when a child has their first kiss. A kiss is something cherished by all, and the first one is something to not be taken lightly, causing the hair to turn light brown. 

The fifth degree is the loss of innocence that comes to everyone’s mind. It’s when a child or teen has ‘The Talk’. Once they learn about sex, the hair turns auburn

The sixth degree is the first time a person has an orgasm. A person experiences a unique sense of pleasure, causing their hair to become brown. 

The seventh degree is the loss of sobriety. When one consumes alcohol for the first time, or when they smoke or consume drugs, they lose a sense of control, causing the hair to turn a dark brown. 

The eighth degree is the loss of virginity. When you have sex for the first time, you lose your ‘purity’, causing your hair to turn a deep brown.

The ninth, and final, degree, is one most never reach. This loss of innocence, is when one harms their self. Through the development of an eating disorder, through cutting themselves, burning themselves, anything at all, this causes the hair to turn a striking black. 

The color of your hair may skip over different degrees, since it is representing the highest degree of loss. For example, someone may have the talk before they curse. However, hair can never get lighter, and it can not be dyed fully. 

So when Roman Prince, Logan Crofters, and Patton Sanders met Virgil Anderson seven months ago on the first day of college, they were concerned to say the least. His striking black hair with purple bangs stood out in the sea of brown that was their fellow English students, and it upset the three of them. But then, when they discovered his childhood photos hung in his dorm room, saved on his phone, and stored in a few year books, they were left in shock. 

_Why the hell was his hair black? And what the fuck happened in his childhood that left his hair a deep brown?_


	2. Goodbye Summer... Hello Eastwood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: None that I can think of.  
> If you read this and see one, please let me know.
> 
> Edit: In the comments I made a clarification about Patton and his hair color, and why it is a dirty blonde. If you want to, you should read it.

To say that Patton Sanders, freshman at Eastwood University was nervous, would be an understatement. His carefully styled dirty blonde curls swayed back and forth as he rocked side to side, waiting for his friends to arrive. He could see strangers giving him weird looks, like he was out of place. And to be honest, he probably was. His hair made him an outsider. 

Surrounding him was a sea of various shades of brown. So of course, his blonde hair was different. Weird. It was expected for college students to at the very least have auburn hair. Auburn hair represents the loss of innocence one experienced when they learn about sex. Patton’s dirty blonde hair meant the he hadn’t learned yet. Any outsider would think that something was wrong. But they didn’t know how he grew up.

As a a kid that went to a private Catholic school, Patton was only ever told that sex was to be saved for marriage, and if it was done before, then they would go to Hell because it was a sin. The school left the job of explaining what it is to the parents, but his parents thought the school would take care of it; so he never learned. Most of his friends, thinking that it would be funny, never told him either. Instead, they tried to keep him from ever learning about it. They succeeded.

Patton let out a huff as he ruffled his hair, scanning the crowds until finally, a dark brown haired boy appeared. A smile broke out across Patton’s face once their eyes met, and the other boy quickly embraced Patton in his arms. 

“Oh how I’ve missed you over that long and dreadful summer vacation.” The boy cried out before releasing Patton and taking a step back to look him up and down.

Patton wrapped his arms around his chest, “Is something wrong Kiddo?” He quickly looked down at the grey sweater in his hands and his blue polo.

“Absolutely nothing is wrong!” The boy scratched at the back of his neck. “I just figured by now your hair would have changed.”

“Nope, but it looks like yours has, Roman.” Patton pointed out. 

The other boy, Roman, blushed and fiddled with the zipper on his white bomber jacket. “Graduation parties, am I right?” The last time Patton had seen Roman, his hair had been brown. But now that it was dark brown, it signified the loss of sobriety. Roman let out a nervous chuckle before looking around. 

“So I guess we’re just waiting for Logan?”

“Yep!” Patton smiled. “And then we should stop by the campus cafe so we can all catch up a bit. After all, it’s been a few months since we got to spend quality time together. We should compare schedules too! See if we have any of the same classes.

Roman laughed. “You will not believe the stories I have to tell you. Summer in England was crazy, especially with my Dad’s work schedule. Oh, and I can’t wait to show you my dorm! I wish we shared a room.”

“We could have sleepovers though!” Patton suggested. “After all, we have single person dorm rooms.”

As the two boys chatted away, they did not see a boy with auburn hair appear until he tapped Roman on the shoulder. “Salutations. I apologi—” 

“Logan!” Patton rushed over to his side and hugged him. “You made it!” Patton let go of the taller boy, Logan adjusted his glasses before offering them a small smile, his cheeks a faint pink. He adjusted his black button up and began speaking.

“Patton, Roman. I expect you all have a plan as to where we should head?” Logan asked

“Mhm. We’re gonna go to the cafe if that’s okay with you?” Patton said.

Logan nodded his head. “Satisfactory, let’s head over then.” He picked up his messenger bag and slung it on his shoulder. Patton grabbed Logan’s hand and started walking towards the building as he looped his arm through Roman’s.

“I’m looking forward to this hot cocoa!”

As the boys headed over towards the cafe, they stayed in relative silence, just enjoying each other’s presence. They were too busy taking in the campus to talk much, but they all knew there was much to be discussed.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The little cafe on campus was quaint. Named Club Coffee, it was a smallish building with tall windows and a little neon sign. A bell hung above the door to alert the staff when a person entered or left the building. The staff there was pleasant, with everyone having different shades of brown hair that clashed with their tan aprons. Logan ordered their drinks and then paid the cashier. He watched as the barista made their drinks for a few minutes until the barista handed him the drinks.

“So,” Logan set down the three mugs on the table that the other two were sitting around. They chose to sit by the window, mainly so Logan could people-watch, but also because Patton enjoyed basking in the sunlight. “How was everyone’s summer?” He quickly took a seat, stirring his black coffee with a spoon to cool it down.

Patton happily took a spoonful of the whipped cream in his mug before answering. “It was okay. I did a lot of baking and I went to the dog park in our town more times than I can count.” Patton adjusted the mug in his hands, wrapping his hands through the handle. “I also got a summer job at the library, so that was fun. But only when I got to read to the kids every Tuesday.” 

“Do you think the kids will miss you?” Roman asked. 

“Yeah, I’m sure they will. The kids seemed to like me.”

“How did your baking go? I can only assume you came up with some new recipes?” Logan asked. He, like Patton, enjoyed baking. However Logan appreciated it for the chemistry, while Patton just enjoyed the experience and the feeling he’d get when he gave people his creations.

“Oh that went great! I managed to perfect my chocolate cake recipe, as well as the buttercream frosting that goes with it. But enough about me.” Patton chuckled. He turned to Roman. “How was England? What did you get to do?” He gasped, a hand flying to his mouth. _”Did you meet the Queen?”_

Roman laughed. “No, I did not get to meet Her Majesty. But it was quite exciting.” Roman launched into a deep retelling of his time in England with his dad. His father managed to get him an internship at a local theatre, and he even landed a leading role in their production of “the Music Man,” which he had plenty of videos to show them later. He also made a couple of friends while he was there since he went to a little coffee shop for breakfast almost everyday.

“What about your father?” Logan asked. “You mentioned that you traveled to England with him.” When he paused and glanced towards Roman, he nodded slightly. “How was your time with him then?”

Roman opened and closed his mouth a few times, hesitating, before staring down at his mint tea. “It was fine.”

“Did something happen Kiddo?” Patton asked as he placed a hand over Roman’s, giving it a little squeeze. Patton knew that Roman didn’t have the best relationship with his father, so extra reassurance was necessary sometimes.

“It’s just…” Roman let out a frustrated breath, “I thought I would get to see him more than I did. All he did was work from dawn to dusk. Hell, I was lucky if I saw him once a week.” Roman took a sip of his tea. “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but this was the first time I saw my dad since the divorce.”

Roman’s mother and father split four years after his brother, Remus, was born. With a six and four year old to take care of, his mom needed his dad to be home more. His dad was too dedicated to his work though, and eventually left a year later, when he got a job offer in England. His dad has been there ever since. His mom moved back in with her parents who helped raise Roman and Remus. She ended up getting a job as a teacher’s assistant at the local elementary school. It allowed her to be home and with the boys more often, while still being able to provide for her family. It was after they moved to his grandparent’s neighborhood when he met Logan and Patton in fifth grade.

“Maybe you could invite him out to see your first show here,” Patton suggested. “Then he would be able to spend the day with you without work getting in the way.”

Roman laughed. “We haven’t even had auditions yet. I haven’t been cast for anything.”

“Based on your past performances, it is highly probable that you will be cast. But still,” Logan adjusted his glasses, “planning in advance would be optimal for a man whose life is dedicated to his career. You should send him a text or call him, soon would be preferable. That way he has plenty of time to put a request in for time off.”

Roman pulled out his phone and opened up his text messages with his father. But he hesitated. He couldn’t bring himself to type, so he turned it off and flipped it over, leaving it on the table. “I guess I’ll call him later tonight.” The group grew quiet for a moment, enjoying their drinks before Patton spoke up.

“How was your summer Logan?” Patton asked.

“It was a successful summer. I worked full time as a lab assistant and I also took a few English classes to be prepared for my coursework this semester.”

“That’s great Logan!” Patton drained the rest of his hot cocoa and wiped his mouth with a napkin. “So, let’s see these schedules.”

The boys each pulled out a piece of paper from their bags, and handed them to Patton, who lined them up and quickly compared. Patton narrowed his eyes and leaned forward before he let out a gasp.

“What?” Roman asked. “What’s wrong?”

Patton looked up and smiled. “We all have English 101, at the _same time!”_ Patton shoved the papers towards Logan, who double checked.

“He’s right, we do all have the same English period. That is satisfactory.” Logan handed the boys back their papers, and he tucked his bag into his bag. “I suggest we plan a study group with at least the three of us, and possibly one or two other classmates. That way we can be held accountable by someone else.”

Logan was going to continue speaking, but the boys heard the little bell sound as a new person walked in, which caught Patton’s attention. The boy that walked in looked small, almost like he didn’t belong. He was wearing a black and purple hoodie, which appeared to be way too big on him, and the hood was up, obscuring his face and his hair, except for a few purple strands from what appeared to be bangs. He reached a hand up and pulled a pair of ear buds out. His hands were covered by finger-less gloves, and his faded black pants had rips in them

“Roman, Logan. Look at him!” Patton whispered. Logan and Roman turned around, and gazed at the boy for a few seconds before turning around. 

“He seems… interesting, like the physical embodiment of emo” Roman said. 

“I know! hes pretty cool looking,” Patton squealed, his eyes widened with joy. “We should go say hi!”

“I don’t believe that’s a good idea. We are strangers, and based on his body language and the way he has dressed, I don’t believe he wants company.”

“But Logan, he may need a friend,” Patton whined. 

Logan sighed, massaging his temples with his fingers. “How about this, if we happen to see him around, or if he appears to be in one of our classes, then we can approach him, but only then.” Patton looked back at the boy for a moment before agreeing with Logan.

“Besides,” Logan added, “we don’t know anything about him. He may have plenty of friends.” Patton stood up and took their mugs back to the counter, and he offered the boy a small smile before heading back to his table, where the other two stood up and gathered their belongings.

The boy at the counter grabbed his black mug and moved to a table in the corner of the cafe. He took a sip of his coffee before a noise drew his attention away from his thoughts. A group of three boys seemed to be leaving the cafe, one of which was the same boy that smiled at him. They seemed happy, like they were friends, the boy noticed. The boy in a blue polo let out a laugh; it was endearing. He wasn’t used to hearing laughter. His blonde hair was a bit shocking to the boy, but he wasn’t one to talk. It wasn’t his place. It was never his place.

The boy with the bomber jacket called out, “so whose dorm room are we going to?” His voice was loud in comparison to the quiet bustling of the cafe.

He watched as the boys left the cafe, flinching at the sound of the bell. He could feel his breathing starting to pick up. He hadn’t realized there was a bell; his music had blocked out that sound. He quickly put his earbuds in and immersed himself in the sound of his music. After a few moments, his breathing evened out. He stared back down at his coffee, a frown slowly appearing on his face. _What was it like to be that happy?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed the first chapter! Please let me know what you think in the comments section down below. And if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. I'll try to answer as long as it doesn't spoil any plot point in the story.


	3. Dormitory Shenanigans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: light cursing, scars
> 
> If you see any others please let me know
> 
> (Edit: made a few corrections I hadn’t seen before)

When Roman Prince opened the door to his dorm room, he was met with the smell of lavender and eucalyptus. His gaze travelled over to the recently purchased diffuser that Patton had recommended to him. He thought it would help Roman relieve his stress, and it was working. Patton tended to be right about those sorts of things. The calming scents were nothing like he’d experience before, causing his memorization skills and overall mood to improve.

The three boys entered the room, with Patton scanning the setup and decor, Logan settling himself into the desk chair, and Roman closing the door before leaning against it. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. He unzipped his jacket and tossed his bag into the corner, sighing as he did. 

Patton turned to face Roman, a small smile on his face. “It looks good Ro,” he scanned a few of the posters, before his eyes landed on one near Roman’s head. He gestured at it before asking, “Is that one of mine?”

Roman opened his eyes and looked up at the poster. It was hand painted, with the letters f a m across the top and the letters I L Y across the bottom. In the center were three symbols, a crown fit for a king in the middle, a realistic heart on the right, and a human brain on the left, each drawn with intense detail. They were lined up in a row and encased in a cloud. 

The cloud was raining, but the droplets were of different colors from the rainbow. Roman assumed that Patton had done the rainbow droplets to represent the gayness each of them radiated, but also because he really like colors. Though he didn’t know why the cloud was raining. 

Roman cleared his throat, “Oh, um… yeah, it is one of your posters. I admired it.”

“I didn’t know you kept it all these years though” Patton sat down on the bed, and motioned for Roman to join him. “Didn’t I give that to you in tenth grade?”

Roman reluctantly moved from his position against the door and sat down on the bed, and sighed. “Yeah, if I remember correctly, you did. It was empowering to me. Those symbols represent us, after all, so I kept it.” Patton rested his head on Roman’s shoulder, still gazing at the poster. 

“I’m glad you like it Ro.” He whispered. Roman stared down at the head on his shoulder, and slowly brought a hand up to the golden locks, running his hand through it a few times. Patton sighed as he felt the hand in his hair and closed his eyes. 

Roman turned his attention towards Logan. “So Logan, is your dorm in close to mine?” Roman asked.

Logan shut the book currently in his hands and nodded, “My dormitory is located in the building adjacent to this one, on the third floor to be exact. What about yours Patton?”

“Oh, I’m in these dorms. I’m actually down the hall.” Patton snuggled a little closer to Roman, almost wrapping his arms around the taller boy. He hadn’t slept well the night before, probably because of nerves, and he was struggling to keep himself awake now that the initial adrenaline of seeing his friends wore off. 

“That’s fantastic! I’m glad we’re all living so close. Could you even imagine if one of us was across the campus?” Roman pondered. Based off of their history, they spent late nights studying together and even later nights just hanging out. And if one of their dorms were far away, that just wouldn’t work. 

“Next year we should rent an apartment together if we can afford it.” Patton suggested. 

Logan nodded. “I agree. It would be the best course of action, considering that we are almost always together.” Roman felt Patton’s breath dance across his collarbone; he tensed a little. Sure, Patton was always a touchy person, but this was on a whole other level. 

Roman shifted his head a little. He was confused with the boy’s change in demeanor. “Patton, you good?” 

Logan sighed jokingly. “You’re a disgrace to the English language.” He turned his attention to Patton. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah I ju—“ Patton let out a yawn— “I just didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Ah, well if you need to head back to your room and take a nap, then you should. Proper rest is important for a healthy lifestyle.” Logan said. 

Patton shook his head a little, “it’s so far away though.”

“I have to head back to my room and finish setting everything up, so maybe you could just nap in here and then we’ll meet up later for dinner?” Logan suggested. 

“You wouldn’t mind, Roman?”

“No, of course not. Like Logan said, rest is important. And what kind of prince would I be if I didn’t help those in need?” Roman smiled at the boy, hoping to reassure him. Patton always worried about being ‘too much’, though in Roman’s eyes, he could never be. 

“Okay then.” Patton removed his head from Roman’s shoulder and slipped his shoes off. He laid down on the bed, squirming a little until he comfortable. He placed his glasses on the night stand and closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing.

Logan stood up from the desk chair and quietly left the room, waving goodbye to Roman before he did.

Roman got up from the bed and gave Patton’s arm a quick squeeze before moving over to his desk. He opened up his laptop and started scrolling through Instagram. He began to like and comment on different posts, only pausing to check on Patton every once in a while. 

—————————————————————————————————————————————

They were an eccentric bunch, the boy from the cafe decided as he sipped his water. He wasn’t sure why they were still on his mind; it had been a few days since he saw them, but the boy in the blue polo’s smile stuck with him. 

His smile was so friendly, so welcoming. It was strange, almost unnerving. 

People don’t smile at him. They never have. He was the kind of kid faculty, students, parents, people pretend don’t exist. Why didn’t that boy just ignore him?

Maybe he didn’t see. Maybe he thought he was normal. 

The boy sat on his bed in confusion. The purple and black hoodie was abandoned on the floor, revealing a dark purple long sleeve shirt he’d been wearing that day. It was too big for him, with the sleeves running past his fingers. A scar was visible on his collarbone from how his shirt hung off his body a little. It seemed to be some sort of circle, but there were three or four of them grouped together. 

He grabbed a comb off of his dresser and brushed through his hair a few times, until he let out a frustrated sigh. His hair was always a wavy mess. 

He gazed at his reflection in the mirror. His purple bangs hung limply over his eyes. His purple and black eye shadow had smudged a bit, but it seemed to add to the look he was going for. His eyes drifted down the mirror until it landed on the scar, and he quickly adjusted his shirt until he couldn’t see it anymore. 

He heard a soft ding come from his bed. He grabbed his phone off of his pillow to see that his cousin Janus texted the group chat named ‘Emos...?’ 

_Janus- Virge! Long time to go without texting... How are you settling in?_

The boy, Virge, quickly replied. _i told you not to call me that janus, and it’s fine._

The reply was almost instant. _Janus- Jesus Virgil, it’s just a nickname. And just fine?”_

Another text came, this time from a different person _Remy- wow, sassy much?_

_Virgil- what do you guys actually want_

_Remy- is it too much to wonder how our baby cousin is doing_

_Janus- Plus, we know how you get sometimes. We just want to make sure you’re ok._

_Virgil- yeah, everything is fine. honest. it’s just that... something kinda weird happened._

_Remy- oh?_

_Janus- What happened?_

Virgil lowered his phone, contemplating how to best reply, until he just simply responded as bluntly as he could:

_Virgil- some guy in a cafe smiled at me_

The phone started vibrating, causing Virgil to drop it on the floor. He scrambled to pick it up, answering the Face Time call once he did. 

On the screen appeared two men. The one holding the phone was shorter than the other. He was pale, had dark brown eyes, and he had a scar on the left side of his face from a biking accident. He had wavy, deep brown hair perfectly styled. 

The other man also had deep brown hair, but it was straight. He had striking green eyes and pale skin. Freckles lined his face, accented by what appeared to be highlighter. He had a smirk on his face and an iced coffee in his hand. 

Both of the boys were wearing black clothes, with shorter one wearing a shirt with some quote on it, and the taller one was wearing a plain white tee and leather jacket combo. 

The taller one spoke first, curiosity laced in his voice. “Did you say a _guy_ smiled at you?”

“Yes Remy, a guy smiled at me.”

The shorter one, Janus, spoke up. “Well is that such a surprise? Virgil, honey, that’s just common curtesy.”

Virgil shrugged. “No one ever smiles at me.”

“What are you talking about?” Remy asked. “We smile at you all of the time.”

Virgil rolled his eyes. They never understood what he meant. How could they? So he clarified. “Besides you two, no one smiles at me. It was just weird.”

Janus opened his mouth to speak until Remy held up a hand, “We’re clearly forgetting the most important question Janus.”

“Which is?” Janus raised an eyebrow and looked over at Remy. 

“Virgil, was. He. Cute?” Remy asked. 

Virgil glared at the guy. “What do you mean ‘was he cute?’ He was just some guy in a cafe. I didn’t really pay that much attention to what he looked like.” _Liar_

“Ugh. What a missed opportunity. You could’ve finally found yourself a man.” Remy checked his watch and sighed. “But that was it. We actually have to go get dinner with the parents, so we’ll call you later Virgil?” Remy asked. 

“Uh... yeah. I guess.” Virgil saw them wave goodbye as they hung up. He tossed his phone onto the end of his bed and flopped down. His head hit his pillow with a small ‘thump’ and he groaned in frustration. 

Lying made him feel sick. But he didn’t want Remy to know anything else about the boys he saw. Remy would just blow it out of proportion. Though, all things considered...

He had paid plenty of attention to the boy that smiled at him. Virgil knew exactly what he looked like, and he knew what his two friends looked like. It wasn’t that he wasn’t interested in any of them, it was that they were strangers, strangers who were kind to him. Once they found out who he was, they’d never want to hang out with him. They’d never want to see him. 

Not that he’d be seeing them again. It was quite a big campus, so the likelihood of him meeting one of them was not good. And if they even did, who would talk to him?

People don’t like people like him. 

Virgil waited for a few hours to leave his room and head to the common area. He could feel his stomach rumbling, but he didn’t have an appetite. Regardless, he knew he had to get food.

He walked down a few flights of stairs and entered the common area. There were a few students wandering around, as well as a group sitting on the couch and chairs. They appeared to be playing some sort of board game based on the occasional burst of laughter. 

Virgil headed towards the vending machine and fed it a dollar. He pressed a couple buttons and then watched as a Nature Valley granola bar fall down. He grabbed the bar and walked away, opening the package. He went to take a bite, but then he froze as his eyes wandered past the front doors of the building. 

A guy just walked in wearing the exact same blue striped tie that one of the people in the cafe was wearing. And by the looks of his black button up shirt and dress shoes, it was him. 

And he was living in the same dorm as Virgil. 

_Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to offer up a little fluff before all hell breaks loose...
> 
> Let me know what you guys think in the comments down below, and if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask. I’ll do my best to answer them.


	4. English 101

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... 1000 hits already? And I’m only on chapter 3? I’m glad all of you like this! This story will definitely be a long one, so I hope you all keep coming back to follow the journey our favorite sides go through. 
> 
> Tw: Panic Attack, mentions of self harm, blood.

It had been a week. A week since the boys finally got to meet up again after a long summer break. A week since they had caught up. A week since Patton fell asleep in Roman’s bed. And during that week the boys watched movies in Patton’s room and ate pizza and popcorn. They got dinner at a few local little diners and sometimes they ordered takeout. They visited a museum, an art gallery, and the campus bookstore. They went shopping, one time to get some school supplies, other times just to have fun. When they went out for fun, they never really bought anything, but by some small miracle they managed to stay in a Target for 3 hours. 

But now it was Monday afternoon. Classes had started earlier that day, which meant that the fun times they had would happen less often and study sessions and cramming would take their place. 

The boys were walking over to their shared class, English 101, and all Roman could think of was how nervous he was. This was his first ever college course, and he wasn’t sure what to expect. 

“Logan?” Roman asked. 

Logan looked over at Roman, who was on the opposite side of Patton. “May I help you?”

“You’ve taken college courses before...” When Logan nodded, he continued. “Are they bad?”

“Please clarify. What do you mean by bad?” Logan returned his attention the building straight ahead. 

“I guess a better way to put it is what was the course like?”

Logan sighed. “It was wonderful. Though of course, I enjoy the pursuit of knowledge. So my experience may be different from the one you’re about to have. With this particular class, however, you will most likely thrive, as you always have when it comes to English and Literature.”

Patton added, “Besides, we’re all taking this class together kiddo. We’ll be able to help each other out when someone needs it.” He reached over and grabbed Roman’s hand, giving it a tight squeeze before dropping it. 

A few moments later, the boys reached the door to the English building, and Roman held it open for the other two before following them in. 

“Which room is the class in?” Patton asked. 

“C 110.” Logan replied. He adjusted the strap of his leather messenger bag. “So it’s on the third floor.” Logan proceeded to the elevator, clicking the up button and waited for the ‘ding’ to sound off. 

The doors opened and the boys hopped in, with Logan pressing the third floor button. The trip up was relatively quiet; the only noise that could be heard was Patton tapping his foot, possibly out of nervousness or maybe even excitement. 

The elevator stopped moving and the doors opened with another ‘ding’. Logan quickly led them down the hall until they found the door that read _110_.

Roman pushed open the door, muttering to himself, “what’s the worst that could happen? It’s just a class.”

—————————————————————————————————————————————

Virgil did not want to get up. Yes, it was 12:30. And yes, he had a class at 1:00, and his mind was screaming at him to get up. But his body wasn’t listening. 

He had his first class today, honestly he’s pretty sure everyone had their first class today. So he should be going to class, he has to make a good impression. Skipping the first class of the semester was the one way to ensure he made a bad one. 

He couldn’t risk being labelled a bad kid by his teacher. It wasn’t an option. If he was going to have to explain his situation to them, he had to be on their good side. 

But his body was frozen in fear. 

His breathing had started to pick up almost to the point of hyperventilating as his mind spiraled down the rabbit hole. His body started shaking and he could hear his heart beat in his ears. He was gasping for air as seconds that felt like hours passed. 

When he realized it was not going to pass by using the usual breathing exercises, he dug his finger nails into his thighs, trying to ground himself through the pain. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. 

He could feel a wet stickiness start to form around his fingers, causing him to realize that he dug too hard, and he let go of his thighs. Little nail shaped crescents had formed, but his body had stopped shaking and the unshed tears were starting to slowly disappear. It worked. He managed to control his breathing after a few more minutes. 

His eyes were wide as he laid in his bed feeling the after shock of his panic attack, feeling the emotions tied to the latest trigger, feeling the blood trickle down his thighs until finally, _finally_ his body cooperated with his mind. 

Virgil went to the bathroom and grabbed a wad of toilet paper to clean up the blood. It wasn’t a terrible amount, just a few streaks, so he wet the toilet paper and wiped it up before throwing it into the toilet and flushed it. He examined the little crescents, but ultimately decided against covering them with any sort of bandaid. Sighing, he checked his phone for the time, and the blood drained from his face. 

Virgil quickly threw on some black ripped jeans that had been lying on the floor along with a purple shirt and his oversized hoodie. He grabbed the grey messenger bag that had been sitting on his desk chair and burst out the door, phone in hand. 

He made his way over to the English building and ran up the stairs to the third floor. He scanned the door numbers, _102... 104... 106... 108... 110_ and then he stopped. He gently opened the door labelled 110 and slinked in, making sure he didn’t make a sound. He checked his phone. _12:59._ He’d made it just in time. 

—————————————————————————————————————————————

All of the students stood in the back of the classroom since the whiteboard instructed them to do so. The clock struck 1:00 and the doors locked into place. A few moments later, a woman appeared from the back room wearing dress pants and a button up grey shirt. Her deep brown hair was pulled back into two braids, and she had a kind smile on her face. 

“Welcome to English 101 everyone!” The woman’s voice boomed throughout the classroom. “My name is Professor Valerie Quinn, and you’re all probably wondering why you’re standing in the back of the classroom.”

A few of the students murmured to theirselves before the room grew quiet. 

“So here’s the deal. I’ll be calling attendance, and when you hear your name, pick a seat. I’ll then ask you to say a little bit about yourself, and then I’ll move on to the next person. Everyone got that?” She looked around the room and watched as her students nodded. “Good. We’ll be going in alphabetical order by first name, so let’s begin.”

Patton leaned over to Logan and Roman as she called out the first name. “She seems interesting.”

“I guess you could say interesting. But she seems a bit young to be a professor at a college.” Roman glanced back up at the professor who seemed to be listening to one of her students. 

Logan pushed his glasses up a little. “You would be correct, she is one of the youngest professors at this school. The research I did beforehand suggests that she actually graduated from high school early, and did a five year course to earn both her bachelors and masters degree, causing her to be a professor at a younger age.”

Roman nodded. “That’s really cool.”

“Oh,” Patton hopped a little bit, “whoever gets called first should save the other two seats.” He suggested. 

“That would be fantastic.” Roman agreed. 

The boys waited a few more minutes until they heard the professor say, “Logan Crofters.”

“I’ll see you guys in a moment,” he said before heading down to a cluster of open seats. He set his bag down before beginning his introduction. “Hello, I’m Logan. I’m double majoring in English and Neuroscience, though I have an affinity for Astronomy.” He sat down in the chair and looked over at the professor who nodded towards him. 

“Very good, next up...” Logan didn’t bother listening. Instead, he looked around at the remaining students until his eyes travelled back to Patton and Roman. 

Patton and Roman appeared to be in a deep conversation until the Professor spoke up again. “Patton Sanders.” 

Patton gave Roman a hug and and then walked over and took a seat to the right of Logan. “Hi everyone! I’m Patton, and I’m majoring in Education and minoring in Psychology cause apparently I’m really good with people. At least that’s what Logan thinks.” Patton said with a bright smile. 

The professor turned her attention to the two boys. “You two know each other?”

“Yes. Patton, Roman, and I have known each other for years now. Though you haven’t called on Roman yet.” Logan replied. 

“How cool!” The professor looked back at the few students still standing. “Ah, Roman Prince. I’m assuming you’re the Roman they were just talking about?” 

Roman picked up his burgundy backpack and headed over to the other two. “Yup! Roman Prince, at your service.” He said with a grand bow. His voice projected around the lecture hall. “And if you couldn’t tell, I’m majoring in Theatre Arts and minoring in Playwriting.” He sat down on the left side of Logan, sliding his backpack under the desk part. 

“It seems fitting.” The professor remarked. She said a few more names and the back of the room emptied until she reached the bottom of the list. One kid was sitting on a set of drawers. 

“So you must be Virgil Anderson?” The professor asked. The boy lifted his head and looked for the last open seat, which was next to Roman Prince. He made his way down and threw his stuff on the floor next to the desk, slumping into the chair. Purple bangs covered his eyes and black fingerless gloves covered his hands. 

He turned his attention to the three boys next to him when his blood ran cold for the second time in thirty minutes. These were the same boys he saw in the cafe. And the farthest boy was the one that smiled at him. 

He blushed and quickly pulled his hoodie down his face even farther and put his head in his arms. 

“Hey Virgil,” the professor said. Virgil looked up at the professor with a scowl on his face. “Unfortunately, it’s campus policy that hoods and hats can’t be worn in class.” Her smile seemed to be laced with sympathy. 

Virgil sighed and braced himself for the inevitable reaction as he pulled his hood off of his head. 

A few people around the room gasped. When he turned to look at the three boys, he could see Roman flinch, and he saw tears in Patton’s eyes. But Logan’s expression was unreadable. He could’ve sworn he heard Patton whisper “oh kiddo.” Though he couldn’t be sure. 

He gazed up at the professor whose smile had disappeared. Her eyes were concentrated on his hair. He brushed the purple bangs away from his eyes and pointed up at his head. 

“Can I put my hood back up.” He asked, his voice dripping with annoyance. 

The professor blinked a few times before nodding. She then began her lesson. 

Virgil flopped his hood up. He didn’t bother paying attention to her lecture. He just pulled out a notebook and started doodling. 

“Virgil.” He heard someone say quietly. He turned towards the three boys and noticed that Logan had spoken. “I would like to apologize for the reaction of the class. And I would like you to know that your hair doesn’t define who you are.” He hesitated for a moment, looking at the others. “Also, if you wouldn’t mind, the three of us would like to get to know you.”

Virgil’s jaw dropped. “Get to know me? Why would you ever want to do that?”

“Why wouldn’t we kiddo?” Patton asked. 

Virgil frowned. “Because nobody ever does. I’m bad.” Virgil pointed to his head. “People don’t like me.”

“Well that’s not very nice of other people. However we’ve only just met and I like you.” Patton looked over at Roman. “How about this, we could go back to your dorm after class is over and chat? I’m assuming you would be most comfortable in your own space. But only if you want to. It’s completely up to you.”

Virgil contemplated for a moment before frowning. “Fine. But we are not going to my dorm. I’ll go to the River Family Diner, not my dorm.” Logan lived in his dorm, and he was not about to let the three of them know that. They seemed satisfied with his answer, so he turned his attention back to his drawing. He did, however, miss the looks exchanged among the three boys. 

They struck up a silent conversation. “What happened to him?” Roman mouthed. 

Patton shrugged his shoulders. He honestly had no idea. 

Logan shook his head. It had been a very long time since he’d been stumped. And this time he was stumped beyond belief. He had no logical answer for what he just saw, and he only had one thought running through his mind:

 _Black hair._ Virgil Anderson has striking black hair. And black hair signifies self harm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this latest chapter! Please let me know if there are any trigger warnings I missed in the comments down below, as well as any thoughts and questions you may have!


	5. The Fine Art of Bullshit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: light cursing, food mention, Remy.  
> (I’ll be making Remy a trigger warning cause even I don’t know what will come out of his mouth lol)
> 
> I apologize, this was meant to be posted a few days ago but life got in the way. But here it is now!

If you had asked him, Virgil Anderson would not be able to tell you anything about the lecture he just sat through. Professor Quinn’s lecture went through one ear and out the other. But who could blame him, his secret had just been exposed to the only boy who ever cared to smile at him. Yet none of the boys were disturbed too much. In fact, they invited him out to chat.

Virgil thought that was strange. No one besides his two cousins ever willingly spent time with him, and even then Virgil thought they were kind of forced to by their dads. But Virgil wasn’t going to complain, as it was the only social interactions he had. So when Logan asked, he was so shocked that he forgot to say no.

That’s how Virgil ended up in the River Family diner. The four of them were sequestered into the back of the diner in one of the red leather booths. Across from him sat Patton and Roman who were discussing some sort of up coming movie, and to his side was Logan. Thankfully, he seemed to have the spatial awareness that the other two did not have, and was therefore sitting with a substantial amount of space between them. Logan was browsing through the menu, muttering to himself every now and then.

He spoke up, “You two should scan the menu to see if anything interests you before the waiter comes back.” Logan set his menu down in front of him and watched as the two boys across from him open theirs up.

Virgil noticed how Patton’s eyes lit up once he reached a certain section of the menu. “They have pancakes! With sprinkles!” Patton exclaimed.

“Great, just what he needs. Sugar.” Logan muttered, only loud enough for Virgil to hear.

Virgil suppressed a chuckle, forcing a frown upon his face before murmuring, “What’s…um… what’s wrong with a little…a little sugar?”

“You have yet to experience Patton on a regular basis, but it’s as if he were figuratively a ball of energy. Now, imagine adding sugar to the mix.” Logan paused for a moment, giving time for the statement to settle in. “Be very thankful that you haven’t see that.”

“I’m not… I don’t think I’ll ever experience that.” Virgil stated.

Logan adjusted his glasses. “On the contrary, it occurs frequently enough that it’s statistically likely you will.”

“You’re implying that there will be… um… be another time I’ll see you guys outside of class again.” Virgil had no intentions of going out with this group ever again. He was perfectly content with being an outsider to their friendship, seeing as he always managed to screw up any and every relationship. And he did not want to destroy their friendship.

Logan suddenly became interested in his menu. “That is a discussion to be had at a later point in time today.” He stated. Virgil didn’t know how to respond to that, so he turned his attention back to the phone in his hands.

Roman tossed his menu on the table, startling the other two out of their silence. Roman’s voice was loud in comparison to the quiet diner, causing Virgil to flinch as he said, “I think I know what I’ll be having. Their omelet and bacon combo sounds delightful. What about you Lo?”

“I’ll be having their egg, bacon, and cheese sandwich.” Logan stated. “And you, Virgil?”

Virgil looked up from his phone and hunched in on himself as he noticed the three of them looking at him. “Oh, um… I’m just having a soda.”

Patton frowned. “Nothing to eat though?”

“No. I’m uh… not hungry? I had a big breakfast.” Virgil lied. He wasn’t sure when he last ate, but his stomach turned at the thought of food.

“Well, if you change your mind, then we will always be able to call the waiter over.” Logan turned around to look for the waiter who was already walking over.

The waiter was wearing his signature leather jacket, and once Virgil noticed this, his face paled. The waiter pulled out his pad and clicked his pen, “So what can I get for you all?”

Logan, Patton, and Roman took turns placing their order. When it got to Virgil though, he froze. The words would not come out of his mouth. He didn’t know why though, because he was literally related to the waiter.

“What’s the matter babes? Cat got your tongue?” The waiter asked and moved to ruffle his hair. Virgil flinched, and then hissed at him, shocking the other three boys. “I’ll just put it down as the usual then?”

Virgil sighed and forced the words out. “No, I just… I just want a soda today.”

“Bitch, you know for damn sure that if Janus heard you say that he would slap the back of your head.” The waiter quickly scribbled something onto his pad. “I’m bringing you your favorite waffle, ok?” The waiter smiled and then started to walk away.

A burst of sarcasm channeled through Virgil as he called out after him, “You know if I knew you were working today Remy I wouldn’t have come.”

The waiter, Remy, turned around and gave him the middle finger. “Love you too!”

Virgil waited for Remy to enter the kitchen before he looked back at the other three boys. Their eyes were wide and confusion was written across their faces.

Roman was the first one to regain his senses. “Was that your boyfriend?”

Virgil flinched. “What? No. That’s uh… one of my cousins. Janus is my other… other cousin, and they both work at um… this diner.” Virgil explained. “They kinda have to though, cause… because their parents own it.”

“Your family owns this diner?” Patton asked.

“Well, my uh… my uncles do, though they tend to employ family, not that they… uh get a lot of applications in the first place.”

Logan asked, “Do you work here as well then?”

“I’ll… well I’ll pick up a few shifts here and there, but… but I’m not the best employee, cause well, you know...” Virgil trailed off. His hands started to mindlessly pick at his sleeves and he could feel himself trying to become as small as possible.

“What do you mean kiddo?” Patton quirked his head a bit out of habit.

“People don’t really… um… vibe with me.”

Patton frowned. “Why not? You’re so fun to talk to.”

“I have to agree with Patton on this one. There is nothing about your demeanor that would suggest poor customer service skills.” Logan added.

“Well yeah, you wouldn’t think that, but my cousins gave me the uh… nickname of ‘Anxiety’ for a reason. I don’t do well with people, or talking, or um… anything really.”

“That’s not a very nice nickname.” Patton said

Virgil glanced at Roman, who had been suspiciously quiet the entire time. In the few hours that Virgil had spent with him, he had always been uncomfortably loud, but now he was the complete opposite. Virgil looked back at Patton and then whispered. “It doesn’t have to be nice if its true. But then there’s also…” Virgil pointed up at his head, where purple bangs could be seen peaking out from under the hood. “It makes people uncomfortable.”

Logan and Patton grew quiet, unsure of how to respond.

Roman waited a few moments before he cleared his throat. “I think our food is coming over.” He said and gestured to where Remy had reemerged carrying a few plates. He made his way over to their table and set down their food in front of them.

“If you guys need anything else, don’t hesitate to ask.” He said with a smile. “And Virgil, next time you decide to bring three hotties into the diner, give a girl a warning.” Remy quickly hurried away, leaving Virgil to deal with three very bright red faces.

“Don’t… just don’t mind Remy, he’s… uh… always like that.” Virgil sighed. “That was actually pretty… pretty tame in comparison to how he normally is.”

Logan adjusted his tie and took a deep breath. “He is certainly a character. But we should eat before the food gets cold.”

Patton and Roman looked at each other with grins plastered across their faces and then immediately began to dig in.

The four of them had eaten in relative silence, only commenting on the food every once in a while. Well, the three friends ate. Virgil just moved his waffle around the plate, taking a few bites. Yet Virgil couldn’t help but notice now how Roman and Patton appeared to be racing each other to see who would finish eating first.

Apparently Virgil wasn’t alone in that observation, since Logan spoke up and asked. “You both do realize that this is not a competition, right?”

“Of course I know that. However, it’s already 4:30 and the Theatre meeting is at 5:00.” Roman said. “I can’t be late to the very first meeting of the semester.”

“That’s a valid reason, but Patton doesn’t have that meeting, or any meeting for that matter..” Logan stated.

Patton swallowed the bite of pancakes currently in his mouth. “Actually, I do! I’m only going to the theatre meeting so Roman can have some moral support you know.”

“Ah, would you like me to accompany you as well?” Logan asked Roman.

He froze for a moment, blinking a few times before bursting out with laughter. “You? Come to a theatre meeting? Absolutely not.” Roman shook his head. “No offense, but like you said oh so long ago, ‘professional make-belief’ is not your forte.”

Roman pulled out his wallet and grabbed a twenty dollar bill. He set it on the table and scooted out of the booth along with Patton. “It was lovely meeting you Kiddo. Sorry we didn’t get the chance to properly talk but this is a start!”

“Why would you want to keep talking to me?” Virgil asked.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Virgil opened his mouth to retort when Patton held a hand up. “You’re not the only one who gets weird looks.” Patton said with a seriousness that Virgil didn’t think he could have. The two boys headed out the front door and waved to Remy on their way out, leaving Virgil alone with Logan.

Virgil watched as Logan seemed to have an internal battle over who knows what, but felt as he was intruding so he went back to scrolling through Tumblr on his phone.

Logan seemed to get back to his senses, as he looked Virgil in the eyes and asked, “May I ask you a question?”

“I mean, you already did, but go for it… I guess.”

Logan kept his voice soft and even as he asked. “I only ask because I’m not sure if you were just startled, but why do you flinch when others around you are loud?”

“I don’t flinch.”

“Based on the small amount of time I’ve spent with you, and the rate at which you flinch, you do. A lot. And sound seems to be just one instance when it occurs. I noticed you also flinched when Remy went to mess with your hair.

“Seriously, Logan, I was just startled. Nothing to worry ab—”

“Are you ok?” Logan asked abruptly.

“I’m fine.” He answered automatically.

Logan frowned. “Don’t try that with me. Give me your real answer.”

“I said I’m fine. That’s the truth.” Virgil insisted. He was shocked by Logan’s persistence. No one ever cared to ask for the truth.

Logan sighed, rubbing his temples with his fingers. “Frankly, I believe that statement is a falsehood. But I won’t push it.” Logan took a sip of water before continuing. “Though the reason we invited you here was because we wanted to get to know you, and possibly pursue a friendship with you if that would be up to your satisfaction.”

“I don’t have friends.” Virgil whispered.

“We could change that.” Logan offered. “Like Patton always says, you can never have too many friends.”

Virgil chanced a look up at Logan, who was staring at him with a scary intensity. He could see fire behind his cerulean eyes. He took a deep breath. “You guys don’t want me in your friendship.”

“All three of us want to be friends with you Virgil.”

“I’ll just mess it up. I always mess up and-“ Virgil let out a huff- “You’ll hate me, and I’d deserve it because I mess up. I’m no good for anyone. I’m a fuck up. I jus- ”

“God, what happened to you?” Logan whispered, interrupting Virgil’s rambling.

Virgil flinched at the meaning behind his words. “I’m sorry?”

Logan reached for Virgil’s hand, but Virgil jumped back a little. He watched as Logan’s eyes softened. “Who hurt you?”

Virgil couldn’t help but snort at that statement. “I don’t know what you think you know, but whatever it is… you’re wrong. Nobody ‘hurt me.’ It’s always been like this.” He sneered, but watching Logan’s face fall made him regret his choice to pretend like everything was fine.

“I was afraid you’d say that.” Logan sat up straight, stoning his face. “Listen, we have no ill will towards you. We just want to be there for you.”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “You’ll hate me. I’ll destroy your friendship and you’ll hate me for it..” He countered.

Logan’s eyes lit up as an idea came to mind. “I have a proposition. I’ll give you my number, and you can choose what to do with it. But if you truly don’t want to be friends with us, then you don’t have to text me. I will understand.” Logan pulled the pen out of his shirt pocket and scribbled his number down on a napkin. He moved the napkin in front of Virgil, offering him a small smile.

“Think about it.” Logan stood up and moved to leave when he paused. “And Virgil, we could never hate you.” With that he left the diner, leaving Virgil alone with the napkin and his thoughts.

Virgil picked at the napkin, reading and rereading the words on the napkin. _Logan Crofters: 377-897-2871_ His handwriting was neat, calculated. And Virgil couldn’t help but stare at it while weighing his options.

He could text the number, sure. But what if Logan left a fake number? He didn’t seem like the type to, but what if he was just trying to be nice and didn’t really want to hear from him? Or he could just throw the napkin away. But, this was his one, and maybe only, chance at being normal. At having _friends._ Was he willing to risk that?

Virgil sighed as he opened his phone, quickly scrolling through the apps until he found messages. He entered the number and typed out a quick _It’s Virgil_ , but when he went to press send, he hesitated.

 _They’ll hate you._ His inner voice said. Every part of his brain was yelling at him to not send the message, to rip up his number and throw the scraps into the trash. Yet there was a little glimmer of hope in his heart.

_But they don’t hate me yet._

He took a deep breath.

He willed his mind to shut up for once in his god-awful life.

And he pressed send.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think in the comments down below.
> 
> In case you didn’t notice, the story has switched from Prinxiety and Logicality to Analogical and Royality. So I apologize to anyone who only came for either Prinxiety or Logicality.


	6. A is for Anxiety, Abuse, and Apologizing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance for this chapter...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Physical and Emotional Abuse, Scars, Burns, Brusing, Food mention, Anorexia, Cursing, Violence, Self Harm, Implied Sexual Abuse
> 
> If I left any out, please let me know. There were a lot so I’m not sure if I got all of them.

Logan knew he made a mistake once he was out the door of the diner. He did not take that conversation in the right direction. He shouldn’t have jumped to such dangerous assumptions based off of Virgil’s reactions. He shook his head. _Seriously Logan? Abuse?_ There were plenty of other explanations, like Anxiety.

Yes, Virgil was in a familiar environment, but he was also surrounded by strangers who basically forced him into the situation through gentle suggestions. And on top of all of that, he had just been called out in class and his secret was exposed. Anxiety and it’s effects would explain most, if not everything.

Needless to say, Logan felt guilty. His assumptions probably made things worse for him.

Logan was halfway to his dormitory when he felt his phone softly vibrate alongside the telltale ding that informed him of the text he just received. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, since it was most likely a text from Patton or Roman letting him know they’d arrived safely. He pulled out his phone and scanned the text.

_Unknown Number: It’s Virgil._ The text read.

Logan felt the smile grace his face before he realized how happy seeing that text made him. He wasn’t completely sure why, but he didn’t mind the feeling. He saved the number into his contacts as Virgil A. before responding.

_Logan: I’m glad you decided to text me. And I apologize for leaving you behind._

He received a response moments later.

_Virgil A.: It’s all good man. I’m just waiting for Remy to come over._

_Logan: Satisfactory. Whenever you have the opportunity to, you should send me your schedule._

Logan waited a few seconds before realizing his mistake. He wasn’t sure what happened to Virgil, but if it was anything like he had puzzled together, he wouldn’t be comfortable with that suggestion. Especially since Logan didn’t explain why.

_Logan: Only if you want to of course. I thought it would be a good idea because I’m in charge of handling the calendar for myself and the other two in relation to social events, study sessions, and anything else they would like reminders for._

_Virgil A.: Umm sure. I’ll text you it when I get to my room._

Logan let out a breath of relief as he opened the door to his building, thankful that he fixed his mistake before doing any damage. His mind, unfortunately, latched on to the part about his room, and before he knew it, he already asked the question his brain was dying to know.

_Logan: Which building does your room reside in?_

_Virgil A.: I’d rather not say._

_Logan: That’s acceptable, after all you only met me a few hours ago._

_Virgil A.: Yeah, sorry. I’m just..._

Logan saw the text bubbles appear and disappear a few times as he opened the door to his room. He looked back down at the screen after he closed the door, tossing his keys into the bowl sitting on his dresser.

_Virgil A.: Some would say anxious. I think of it as being overly cautious._

_Logan: No need to apologize. Some people aren’t cautious enough._

It was in that moment that Logan started tying more pieces of the puzzle together. He glanced over at the laptop on his bedside table and grabbed it.

_Logan: It was nice meeting you today, and if you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to ask._

_Virgil A.: Thanks, but I won’t need help._

_Logan: I wasn’t implying that you’d need help. I meant it for anything, even if it’s just a person to talk to._

_Logan: Have a good rest of your day._

_Virgil A.: You too._

Logan ended the conversation a little abruptly, but his mind was itching to do some research, so that’s what he did.

Logan grabbed his little black notebook and pen, and then opened his laptop up and brought up his browser, entering in words he never thought he would search.

_Symptoms and Treatments for Anxiety_

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Virgil sighed as he turned his phone off. He sunk into the bench of the booth, letting out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

Virgil could feel the tingling in his fingers and the rapid beat of his heart, telltale signs of his anxiety kicking in, yet he wasn’t bothered for once. Texting with Logan, or anyone really, would normally be terrifying. But this conversation put him at ease. He no longer had to worry if Logan had been genuine or not.

Virgil felt the cushion dip beside him, causing him to look up. In front of him sat Remy who seemed to be patiently sipping on an iced coffee. Virgil cleared his throat so Remy would know he was ready to talk.

Remy had the biggest smirk on his face as he held up the napkin with Logan’s number. “Why Vee, look at you moving up in the world.”

Virgil moved to snatch the napkin out of his hand, but Remy just leaned back. “Give it to me.” He growled.

“Not so fast babes. I feel like we should talk about this.” He wiggled the napkin a little. “You never told me you had the hots for the nerd.” Virgil felt his face heat up. “I mean, I don’t blame you. All three of them were stun-“

“I do not have the hots for Logan. I barely know the guy.” Virgil countered.

Remy rolled his eyes, “Oh, yes. My mistake. I didn’t realize the nerd had the hots for you.” Remy rephrased.

“That’s not true either! He was just being nice.” Virgil huffed. He was used to Remy’s antics at this point, but sometimes he could read too far into things, like he was doing now.

“Being nice my ass.” Virgil smacked his shoulder. “Fine. Fine, if you insist.” Remy took a sip before continuing. “But are you doing ok?” Remy asked. He wasn’t serious often, but when he was Virgil knew to be upfront with whatever was on his mind.

“Honestly? I don’t know. Today was just… interesting.”

“I could tell.” Remy’s eyes flickered over towards Virgil’s barely touched waffle. “Janus is going to be here in about five minutes, so if you don’t want his concerns too, I suggest you eat a bit more. We all remember what happened the last time you started skipping out on your meals.” Virgil just nodded. He remembered all too well. But he hadn’t been skipping…

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Virgil had to have been fourteen or fifteen. The years always blurred together when he thought about his younger self. But he could remember every time a new punishment was introduced. He didn’t think he really did anything wrong, but his parents always found something wrong with him and everything he did. But it was always his fault.

This time it was a problem with his cooking.

Virgil quickly learned from a young age how to cook. For as long as he could remember, Virgil was in charge of serving his parents dinner every night during the school year and all meals during the summer. And tonight, they wanted burgers.

Virgil got to work preparing all of the toppings. He sliced up the lettuce, onions, and tomatoes, and then pulled out the burgers from the fridge. He had been letting them defrost during the day. He left the kitchen and headed to the living room, where his father was watching tv from his patched-up recliner and his mom was reading a tattered novel.

“Excuse me, would either of you like cheese on your burger?” He asked as politely as he could.

His father didn’t turn his attention away from the tv, just nodded. His mom shook her head no.

“Ok, I will have dinner ready shortly then.” He moved to head back to the kitchen when he heard his father’s voice boom.

“Make sure those damn burgers are medium rare! Last time we were lenient. If you make that same mistake, you won’t be so lucky.” His father called out.

Virgil had to stop himself from shuddering. “Understood sir.” Last time he messed up, they locked him in the cage in the basement for a day, forcing him to eat dog food because ‘only good boys eat well.’ Over the years he had gotten used to the taste of dog food, but it was the cage that he hated.

He hated enclosed spaces where he had no way to escape. And it was always dark. The basement had no windows, so there was never any light. Virgil had grown to hate the dark, as it was a common punishment his parents gave him, locking him in the basement.

It was his fault though. He knew he deserved it.

Virgil put the patties on the pan and let them cook for about three minutes until he flipped them and let it cook for another two to three minutes, laying the cheese on his fathers. He placed them on the buns along with the lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and a squirt of ketchup. He put the two burgers on separate plates and then poured some chips next to it.

Carefully, he walked them into the other room and served his parents before going back to the kitchen to make his own dinner, which was whatever he had in his cabinet or drawer of the fridge.

He opened the fridge and saw a slice of cheese, so he decided to make himself a grilled cheese.

But it was never that simple, was it?

Virgil heard the slamming of the door open a second too late. He flinched, bracing himself for what was coming. He turned around slowly, only to be greeted with the furious face of his father. He must have messed up the burgers.

His father started walking towards him, his voice shaking the house and making Virgil cower in fear. “We ask you to do one simple thing boy, and you can’t even do it right!” Virgil was frozen. He fucked up big time.

Virgil felt his father grab him by his black hair, pulling him out of the kitchen and down the stairs. He could feel his hairs being ripped out as he was thrown to the floor of the basement, his knees banging against the tiles.

“This is your fault!” His father shouted. “We feed you, we clothe you, we give you a home out of the kindness of our hearts, and this is how you repay us?” His father threw his burger at Virgil’s feet. With the light streaming from the open door, he could see the burger’s color. It had no hint of pink like all other medium rare patties.

“I’m sor… sorry sir. I can make you… make you a new one.” He stuttered out, cursing how his fear was showing.

His father rammed his foot into Virgil’s stomach. “And have you fuck it up again? You know better than to give out stupid ideas like that.” He kept kicking Virgil, over and over again until he felt his back hit the wall of the cage. Virgil moaned in pain.

“Get in the cage!” His father yelled. Virgil scrambled into the cage, obeying his orders despite the throbbing in his stomach.

His dad slammed the cage door shut and locked it with the combination lock. He started to walk away when Vigil wheezed out, “I never… never got to eat dinner, s-sir.”

“I never got to eat dinner, sir.” His father mimicked. He let out a laugh before saying, “Only good boys get dinner. Were you a good boy?”

Virgil lowered his gaze. “No sir.”

“Then it’s your fault that you don’t get dinner. You were a bad boy. Maybe if you stopped being a bad boy, you wouldn’t make me do this.” His father said, slamming the door on his way out.

It was only when his father walked away that he allowed himself to cry out from the pain. The hot tears started to stream down his face as he lifted his shirt to see the damage his father did.

His pale skin was contrasted by bright red spots that were sure to bruise. He gently touched them, but cried out at the light touch. He didn’t need to feel his head to know that he was probably bleeding from where his father ripped out part of his hair. He couldn’t do anything about either of his injuries, so he just laid down on the cold tiles and cried himself to sleep like he had done countless times before.

His parents did not let him out until the second morning after he had been locked up. It wasn’t the longest he had been locked up, but those times he always had some sort of food to eat. Not this time. And apparently he wasn’t going to get food anytime soon.

He showered that morning, careful to avoid the injured part of his scalp and the now blue and purple bruises that decorated his stomach. When he had changed into his hoodie and sweats, he entered the kitchen in search of food. But then he opened both his cabinet and drawer to find nothing. His parents must have taken the food away.

It was fine, he thought back then, because he wasn’t really hungry anyways. His stomach hurt too much and he didn’t really find the idea of anything to be appetizing. He retreated up the stairs and to his room, where he grabbed his sketchbook and pencils and drew until his parents inevitably asked for lunch.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Virgil remembered that he ate as little as possible after that punishment, because his stomach could only handle water for a week or two afterwards. His injury made it almost impossible to keep any food down. But after he was healed, he didn’t find anything appetizing, so he would eat the occasional apple or carrot stick when he really needed it. But everything else was water.

It got so bad, however, that he collapsed in the middle of a project that he was presenting. And then his teacher felt how skinny he was.

He was rushed to the hospital, and as they put him into his gown, they saw the scaring all over his body and called CPS. The nurse had originally thought that he was skinny because he was starving himself on purpose, if his hair was anything to go by, but the scars on his back indicated otherwise, as he was covered in them.

The nurse discovered that his hair color was most likely caused by the cuts on his wrist and inner thighs, as those looked like self-harm. But the crisscrossed scars along his back, the bruising on his stomach and lower back, and the past burns up and down his arms and shoulders, all of it was signs of abuse.

Not that Remy knew about the abuse part. When Virgil had showed up on his Uncle Emile’s doorstep, Remy and Janus were told that he was going to live with them because of his eating disorder, and the environment that he had been living in wasn’t one that encouraged recovery.

They didn’t know that his parents had been arrested for child abuse along with a couple of other charges because of the abuse Virgil went through.

They didn’t know that the scars were from his parents, and this eating disorder was triggered by his parents.

They didn’t know about the phase where his hair was a deep brown.

And Virgil, at the age of sixteen, intended to keep it that way. And so far, it was working. He was eighteen now, and all they though that was wrong with him was his anxiety and his anorexia that he had successfully recovered from a year ago.

Of course Remy would be nervous about his food intake. So, Virgil started eating his waffle, one quarter at a time.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Patton and Roman left the theatre meeting beaming. Everyone had been so nice to the two of them, not even questioning Patton’s dirty blonde hair, and they had so much fun.

They played the standard get-to-know-you theatre games. But they also played Pillow Dodgeball and Mingle, and both could do some serious damage.

The President and their panel had introduced their selves and made a few announcements, like the first production and when auditions would be. They were putting on Newsies, and obviously Roman would be gunning for Jack Kelly.

The meeting ended at 6:00, so they were now walking back to their dorm, Patton listening to Roman ramble on about the role.

“Couldn’t you just imagine it Padre? It would be fantastic.” But then he grew quiet. “Though I’m just a freshman, I’m not sure if my abilities will be enough, compared to the seniors that have been waiting patiently for their main role”

“Don’t count yourself out before you’ve even tried kiddo. After all, when you were a high school freshman you beat the seniors out for the lead.” Patton reminded him.

“Well high school is different from College.” Roman pointed out. “It’s tougher competition. And they’ve been honing their craft for several more years than me.”

“Practice makes perfect! You just gotta find your song and monologue, perfect it, and then put your own Roman finesse on it like you always do.” Patton smiled.

“You always know the right thing to say Pat.” Roman felt his phone vibrate in his back pocket, and he pulled it out. “I’m feeling a lot better.”

“I’m glad. I _am_ pretty good with emotions after all.” Patton watched as Roman scanned his phone for a moment before typing out a quick response before pocketing it again. “Who was that?” He asked.

Roman ran a hand through his head. “It was Logan, he asked us to come to his dorm because he needs to discuss something.”

“Did he say what the topic was?”

“No.” Roman grabbed Patton’s hand and steered them towards Logan’s building, curiosity radiating throughout both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, I’m really sorry about that. But now you have a little glimpse into Virgil’s past.
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments down below!


	7. Seeking Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Implied Self Harm, Panic Attacks, Scar Mention, Implied Abuse.

Logan was still on his laptop by the time the two boys knocked on his door. His little black notebook was filled with every possible symptom he could find, and the list was long. Longer than he could’ve imagined.

He shouted, “Come in.” And the door opened to reveal the two boys, both beaming with happiness.

Logan closed his laptop before looking up to see them both sitting on the end of his bed. “Did you two have a good theatre meeting?”

Roman immediately perked up. “It was fantastic! I cannot wait for the next meeting. And I cannot wait to audition. They’re doing Newsies!”

Logan nodded. “That’s a good show to put on. Though it is a male heavy show. Do you think there will be enough men who audition?”

“I hope so. But even still, we can have other people play men even if they aren’t one. That’s why we have costumes.” Roman turned to Patton, excitement in his eyes, “You should audition!”

Patton scratched at the back of his neck, “I’m not so sure about that kiddo. I’m not that good of a singer.”

“On the contrary, Patton, you are definitely above average.” Logan stated. In fact, Patton was in choir for all four years of high school.

“It would be so fun! After all, you miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.” Roman added.

Patton sighed. “I guess I’ll think about it.” Patton fiddled with Logan’s comforter for a moment before speaking up. “So what was it that you needed Logan?”

“Ah, yes. There are a few things that need to be discussed. Firstly, if you would send me your class schedules as well as any extracurriculars you will be partaking in, I can schedule our study group and any other social gatherings we may need to attend.” Logan waited for the others to nod before continuing. “I would also like to inform you that Virgil has agreed to give me his schedule, so I think he’s starting to get comfortable with us. However we have to be cautious.”

Roman frowned. “Cautious? Why cautious?”

Logan cleared his throat, “Based on his behavior at the diner and his demeanor in class, I believe Virgil may have an anxiety disorder, or at least has a heightened anxiety level.”

“How did you notice that?” Patton asked.

“Honestly, I’m not sure. I think once I was aware of his hair color, I decided to watch his behavior.” Logan watched as Patton’s smile faltered for a moment at the mention of his hair, and Roman visibly sunk in on himself. Logan had just broken the unspoken rule in regards to Virgil.

None of them knew how to react to his hair. Especially since they didn’t know what caused the change. Roman wanted to slay whatever demons were bothering him and protect him. Patton wanted to smother him in love and joy and making him feel good about himself. But Logan, Logan didn’t know what he wanted to do. The best he thought he could do was to research. But he wanted to do more to help the poor boy.

“What do you think he did something to himself?” Patton whispered, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

“Speculating won’t do us any good.” Logan pointed out. “What we cold come up with in our imagination will probably be way worse than what actually happened.”

“It would only do more harm than good.” Roman agreed.

“It just frustrates me that he felt he had to do that to himself.” Patton sighed.

Roman reached over and squeezed his hand gently. “I know, Padre. But we can’t do anything until he talks to us.”

“Unfortunately so.” Logan added. “So like I said, it is best to proceed with caution, and we should plan ahead if we want to hang out with him to avoid surprising him.”

“Should we invite him to hang out next week? He could tag along on our trip to the beach!” Patton suggested. Roman nodded in agreement

“I’ll send him a text then.” Logan pulled out his phone when he heard a shriek ring out. He looked up to see Patton eyes wide and smile big.

“He gave you his number?” Patton yelled out of excitement. He never expected Virgil to be that open.

“No, I gave him mine, and he texted me.” Logan corrected.

“Wow, slick moves for an emotionless robot.” Roman joked. He always liked to tease Logan whenever emotions were involved. He didn’t like to admit it, but Logan probably had the strongest emotions out of the three of them, even if he hid them most of the time.

Logan arched a brow. “I’m not sure what you’re implying but it is strictly for communication purposes.”

“Mhm, and how did you give him your number?” Roman asked.

“I wrote it on a napkin and gave it to him because I didn’t have any paper.”

“How flirtatious.” Roman laughed. “Does Microsoft Nerd have a little crush?” Patton playfully slapped Roman on the shoulder, effectively stopping his teasing.

Logan just turned his attention back to his phone. “Absolutely not. I do not have time for such emotions.” Logan quickly typed out a text and sent it. He set his phone down in his lap and then looked at the two of them.

“That is all I had to discuss with you. Do either of you have class in the morning tomorrow?”

“I do not. I just have two in the afternoon.” Roman said.

“I have one in the afternoon as well.” Patton smiled.

Logan nodded. “Satisfactory. Shall we watch a movie tonight then?”

“That sounds splendid! Whose turn is it to pick?” Roman asked.

“I believe it’s Patton’s.”

“Ooh! Can we watch Togo? It’s such a good movie.”

“Of course Padre.” Roman grabbed the remote off of Logan’s bookshelf and turned on the tv, quickly scrolling to Disney+ and putting on the movie as Patton and Logan got situated on his bed. Roman joined them, cuddling close to Patton but leaving a respectable distance between him and Logan.

The three of them sat there quietly, engrossed in the movie until they eventually fell asleep.

——————————————————————————————————————————————--

Virgil was lying on his bed, surrounded by darkness when his phone vibrated. He paused the rock playlist he was listening to and checked his phone.

_Logan Crofters: Hi, the three of us were wondering if you would like to accompany us to the beach next Saturday?_

Virgil frowned at the message. He read it again to make sure he didn’t miss anything, but his frown only deepened. Virgil opened the “Emos…?” group chat and sent his cousins a message.

_Virgil- they invited me to the beach…_

He got a reply within minutes.

_Janus- Who invited you to the beach?_

_Remy- hold on let me guess. the cute ones_

_Virgil- they are not cute. and yeah, those three people._

_Janus- Well are you gonna go?_

_Virgil- i don’t know. that’s why I’m texting you guys._

_Remy- i think you should go. you get to see three boys half naked. so it’s a win if you go but a loss if you dont_

_Virgil- but that means I would also have to be half naked._

_Janus- Not necessarily._

_Virgil- what do you mean?_

_Janus- Logan seems to be perceptive enough. If you aren’t comfortable showing your body, keep your hoodie on when you’re not in the water._

_Virgil- won’t they ask questions?_

_Remy- most likely not_

_Virgil- why wouldn’t they?_

_Janus- Logan would probably tell them not. He seems respectful enough._

Virgil lowered his phone for a moment, contemplating. Sure, he could have another interaction with people that didn’t judge him, but if they saw the scars… too many questions would be asked. Too many uncomfortable and messy questions.

_Virgil- fine. i guess i’ll go then._

_Janus- Let me know how it goes Vee._

_Remy- let me know if you need anything else gurl_

Virgil sighed and glanced at the time. It had been nearly an hour since Logan had texted. Virgil felt a cold feeling rush through his body. He didn’t mean to take so long to respond. Logan probably hated him for that.

_Virgil Anderson- um… sure. i’ll go with you guys._

Virgil turned his music back on, but was startled by the volume. He adjusted it, but as he listened to the lyrics he realized something was wrong. He could feel his hands start to shake and his breath started to pick up. Something was very, very wrong.

He grabbed his phone and pressed the home button. The name popped up, “Living on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi. He dropped his phone on the floor.

“Oh no.” He whispered. “Oh no oh no oh no…” That song was his father’s favorite song, the one he played so neighbors couldn’t hear the arguments and the screams. Virgil couldn’t listen to that song without being thrown into a flash back. Maybe he caught it soon enough though, maybe he could avoid a flashback.

After a few moments Virgil realized he wasn’t entering a flash back, but he was having a panic attack, and it was going to be a bad one if the tightness in his chest was anything to go by. It hurt to breathe. Every breath felt like being stabbed, and he knew exactly what that felt like.

He wanted to call one of his cousins, but he didn’t want to bother them again in the same night. His mind, however, latched onto another solution via the text Logan had sent earlier that day. _and if you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to ask._ He didn’t know if this would be crossing a line, but he didn’t have anyone else to go to.

He grabbed his phone and opened it, clicking on Logan’s contact and then his number. He heard it ring a few times. “C’mon. Pick up…” he murmured.

The pounding in his ears was getting louder and louder, and he could feel his throat straining every time he tried to talk. He heard it ring a final time before Logan picked up.

“Hello? Virgil?” He could hear the huskiness of Logan’s voice, like he had just woken up.

Virgil had to force the words out. “Logan?” His voice sounded like he was choking.

“Virgil? Are you okay?”

“I… help?” Was all he managed to wheeze out. He could hear rustling on the other end of the phone.

“Where are you Virgil?”

“Fifth- Fifth floor… 507… your dorm.”

“Okay Virgil. I’m on my way. Can you stay on the line with me?”

Logan quietly closed his door and then nearly sprinted to the stairs, hurrying up them as fast as he could. He could hear the terror in Virgil’s voice. And he honestly had no idea what was going on.

“I’m still here Virgil, I’m almost there. Is the door unlocked?” He asked.

He heard a strangled ‘yes’ which only made him move faster.

He scanned the doors on the fifth floor until he finally found the one that said 507. He carefully opened the door and then entered. He paused at the sight in front of him, taking in the situation.

Virgil’s hood had fallen down, exposing his black hair that his hands were currently gripping quite harshly. He was on his knees, balled up, and murmuring to himself, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” It was clear to Logan now that Virgil was having a panic attack.

Logan closed the door and approached Virgil slowly. “Hey Virgil…” He crouched down and scooted as close to him as he could without startling him. “Is it ok if I touch you?” Virgil looked up, tears streaming down his face, and nodded at him, so he took action. Logan sat down with his back against the wall and grabbed Virgil’s hands and pulled them out of his hair. He got Virgil to sit up and situated him between his legs, with Virgil’s back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around the sobbing boy, holding him close.

“It’s gonna be okay Virgil. You’re in your room. You are with me, Logan Crofters. And you are having a panic attack.” Virgil only sobbed harder at the mention of the current situation. Logan could feel that Virgil’s breathing was erratic and his heart beat was rapid, so Logan recalled a way to help someone during a panic attack.

“Virgil, can you name five things you can see?” Logan asked.

He saw Virgil looked around a little before replying. “There’s… there’s my bed… my lamp… my bookshelf… the door… my shoes.” He managed to get out between sobs.

“Okay, now four things you can feel?”

“My jacket… the floor, the air… you.”

“You’re doing good. Three things you can hear?”

“You, my heart beat… the fan.”

“Two things you can smell?” He heard Virgil take a deep breath.

“Laundry detergent…” He paused. “Is that vanilla?” Logan smiled softly at that one, as he tended to smell of vanilla due to his lotion.

“And one thing you can taste?”

“My breath.” He whispered. At that point Virgil had stopped sobbing, but his breathing was still all over the place.

“Okay Vee, you did so good. Now can you breath with me? In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. I’ll tap out the pattern, you just have to follow along.” Logan took a deep breath, hoping Virgil would do the same. He slowly felt Virgil trying to follow the pattern his fingers were tapping out.

After a few more minutes Virgil was successfully following along. Logan stopped tapping and gave his arm a gently squeeze.

“Hey Virgil… How are you doing?” Logan whispered as to not disturb him.

Virgil remained quiet for a moment, before turning to face Logan and wrapping his arms around Logan’s waist, burying his face into the other’s chest. Logan didn’t know what to do, so he just wrapped his arms around him in return, running his fingers up and down his back. His other hand found his way up into Virgil’s black hair, softly playing with it.

“Just, thank you.” He heard Virgil murmur. “I didn’t know who to turn to.”

“Well I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to come to me.” Logan spoke into his hair.

“It’s so stupid…”Virgil trailed off.

“What’s stupid?”

He hung his head low “It was just a stupid song.”

Logan paused for a moment, choosing his words very carefully. “You mean what triggered you?” Logan asked.

Virgil sat up, his arms still lightly wrapped Logan’s waist. “Yeah…” Virgil began to sink in on himself.

“Virgil, hey, look at me.” Virgil lifted his eyes to meet Logan’s striking blue ones. “Nothing like that is stupid. Whatever made that particular song become a trigger is a valid reason.”

Logan saw a small smile grace the boy’s face. He was pretty sure that was a rare occasion for the boy.

“He would play that song every time…” Virgil leaned back into Logan’s chest and closed his eyes.

Logan wanted to pry more, to discover who this _he_ was. But he figured that would do more harm than good. He could see a world where Virgil opened up more. But now was not that time.

Right now, Virgil needed him to be a calming presence.

Logan brought his hand up to Virgil’s head, cradling him close to his chest. “It’s fine. Do you want me to stay or would you like me to go?”

Virgil sighed, “Can you stay? Please?” Logan is suddenly very grateful for changing into sweats and a t-shirt when he was doing research. He wasn’t sure when he’d be leaving the room.

“Of course. I won’t leave until you want me to.” Logan reassured him.

The two sat in a comfortable silence, basking in each other’s presence for longer than Logan could keep track of.

Virgil was leaning against Logan’s chest, breathing in the scent of vanilla and something that was particularly _Logan_. He was a strong, calming force against Virgil’s rampant thoughts. After what felt like a few minutes, Virgil spoke up.

“Logan?” He whispered.

“Yes Virgil?”

“I just…” Virgil sighed, sitting up. “I’m tired Lo.”

Logan’s eyes widened in surprise at the nickname. “I wouldn’t be surprised. Those moments can take a lot of energy out of you.” A small smile graced his face as he ran a hand through Virgil’s hair. “Would you like me to leave so you can get some rest?”

“I don’t really want to be alone right now… too many memories…” Virgil’s eyes wandered over to his phone.

Logan slowly stood up and offered Virgil a hand. He accepted, and pulled himself up on his feet. “Why don’t you lay down then, and I’ll read to you?”

“Ok,” Virgil shrugged. He kicked off his shoes and grabbed some pjs, heading to the bathroom to change.

Virgil closed the door and quickly changed. He brushed his teeth and made way to leave when his eyes caught his reflection in the mirror. He looked awful. His skin was paler than usually and his eyes were puffy. He sighed, it wasn’t the worst he’s looked, but he didn’t feel like doing anything about it. He exited the bathroom to see Logan looking through his bookshelf.

“Did you find a book?” He asked softly. Logan turned to look at him.

“There appears to be two options. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings?”

“Um, Lord of the Rings I guess.” Virgil crawled under his covers as Logan grabbed the book. He scooted over to the far side of the bed, inviting Logan to join him on the bed.

Logan sat down on the bed, pulling the covers over his legs, and opened up the book to the first page. He felt Virgil shift around next to him, and then he felt a pressure on his chest. He looked down to see Virgil’s head on his chest. He cleared his throat and began reading.

Virgil got lost in the sound of Logan’s voice. His voice was lower than normal, and he spoke with a quiet fluidity that made his eyes flutter close as he slowly drifted off.

After reading a few chapters, Logan looked down to see Virgil, asleep on his chest. Not wanting to disturb him, Logan bookmarked the page and set it on the table next to his bed. He turned off the lamp and took off his glasses, going over the past hour in his head. Virgil was a comfortable presence, one he wasn’t used to as Roman and Patton would cuddle with each other, and not him. Though he didn’t hate it, surprisingly.

“Goodnight Vee,” He whispered. And then he closed his eyes, letting sleep take over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this came out so late! I've been busy with summer school work. I hope to have the next chapter out within two weeks. But let me know what you thought about this chapter and if you have any questions!


	8. No Need to Be Ashamed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so so sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up! I had so much going on that this project got set to the side. I hope you enjoy this though!
> 
> TW: Scars, past abuse, SH mention, Panic Attack mention, anxiety, depression.  
> Please let me know if I missed any.

Virgil slowly awoke to the scent of vanilla and a heavy weight wrapped around his waist. He breathed in, and scooted closer to the warm presence against him. He sighed, content with the first night of real sleep he’d had in a while.

  
And then the realization sank in.

  
He bolted upright, the arm on him flew off, and his eyes stared down at the person who was starting to awaken. His eyes slowly opened as he adjusted to his surroundings. But then Logan saw the terror in Virgil’s expression and sat up immediately, eyes filled with concern.

  
“Virgil, are you okay?” Logan asked. His hands were hovering over Virgil’s. Like he was scared to touch him. Scared of what might happen.

  
Virgil stared at his hands, before nodding quickly. Logan placed his hands on Virgil’s own. “You… my bed… here?” Virgil stuttered out.

  
Logan’s faced scrunched up as he began to speak. “Do you not remember what happened last night?” Logan asked.  
“Um, faintly?” Virgil replied.

  
Logan ran a hand through his hair.

“Yesterday you called me on the verge of a panic attack and when I arrived at your bedroom, you were in the middle of it. I slowly brought you out of it and afterwards you requested I stay with you.” He summarized.

  
“But, you’re still here?”

  
“You fell asleep on my chest, and when I noticed the bags under your eyes, I did not want to disturb you, as I figured you weren’t sleeping well. I apologize if that has made you uncomfortable.”

  
Virgil shook his head quickly. Logan didn’t do anything wrong, so he had no reason to be upset. In fact, he was grateful that Logan stayed. The sleep honestly helped.

  
He looked up at Logan, wrapping his jacket tighter around himself. He opened his mouth to speak, but then paused, carefully considering his next words.

  
“What’s wrong Virgil?” Logan gently squeezed his hand to offer some sort of reassurance. He wasn’t sure if that would actually work, but studies had shown physical touch soothed people.

  
“Why did you help me?”

  
“You called and asked for help. I thought that was common curtesy.” Logan stated, his eyebrow raised. “Although social normalcies are always changing and I can never seem to catch up.

  
“No, it’s just… you hardly know me. And after the diner…” Virgil trailed off.

  
Logan sighed, just now grasping the realities of Virgil’s mental state and how he was likely depressed along with the anxiety. “You needed help Virge. And you wouldn’t have called me if you thought you couldn’t trust me.”

  
“People don’t help people like me.” Virgil whispered.

  
“You know, I keep hearing you say things like that and I quite frankly don’t understand why you keep saying that.” Logan said.

  
“I say it cause it’s true.” Virgil sighed.

  
Logan quirked his head. “Why is it true?”

  
Virgil frowned, _is this man really that dense_ “Look at my hair, Logan. I’m damaged goods. And don’t even get me started about when I was younger.”

  
“When you were younger?” Logan asked, curiosity laced through his words.

  
Virgil clamped a hand over his mouth. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

  
“What happened when you were younger?” Logan could stop the words from coming out.

  
Virgil turned to face the mirror above his dresser. His eyes danced over his image and he felt his stomach drop. “It doesn’t matter. I just… I don’t deserve your help.” Virgil said. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. He always got like this when he talked about himself.

Logan grabbed his glasses off of the side table and put them on his face. His eyes glanced around the room before settling on Virgil’s face. Now more than ever was he worried for the poor boy. He had never been exposed to someone who was so self-deprecating.

  
“Virgil, you may not see your worth, but I do. And I’m nearly 100% certain that Patton and Roman would both agree with me. I of course don’t know their exact thoughts, but I’ve known them for long enough to guess their opinions.”

  
Logan watched in the mirror as Virgil’s jaw dropped. “I’m not used to this.”

  
“I hope, that in time, you will get used to this. But for now, just know that if you ever need to call me again, don’t hesitate to ask.”

  
“Ok.” Virgil looked back at Logan, a soft smile on his face.

  
“Now I hate to do this, but I really should go to my room to get ready for the day. Unless you still need me of course.”

  
“No… no it’s fine. I’m ok.” Logan looked at him, not really believing the boy sitting across from him.

  
Virgil playfully rolled his eyes, his smile looking more like a smirk. “I’m serious, I’m ok. Go about your day.”

  
Logan carefully got out of the bed and grabbed his phone. He grabbed the door knob, but hesitated. “Are you sure?”

  
Virgil shook his head. “Yeah. Don’t worry about me.” He grabbed a pillow and tossed it at him.

  
Logan let go of the knob and caught it. He tossed it once before throwing it back. “I don’t think that’s possible.” He whispered before opening the door.

Virgil watched as the pillow plopped onto the bed. He started at the door where Logan once stood, processing what just occurred.

  
“Ugh” He groaned before flopping down on his back. He looked up at the ceiling. “This man is going to be the death of me.” He mumbled.

The week following what Virgil was now referring to as the “bedroom incident” flew by so fast that he wasn’t sure the week actually happened. Yes, he had classes and yes, he attended them. But he mostly floated through them. And now it was Saturday. Virgil was nervous to say the least. The exposure, the sun, the half nakedness. It was all a bit much in his opinion.

  
But he couldn’t back out now. He already agreed to go. If he changed his mind, they might think he hates them. Or they might get worried about him and change their plans. Or even worse, they might stop talking to him all together because he stood them up.

  
He was stuck in a lose-lose situation. If he goes, he risks revealing his scars. If he stays, he could lose the only true human connection he had.

  
His fear of disappointing the others won out, so Virgil got up out of bed and opened one of the drawers of his dresser. He pulled out his black swim trunks and went to change when he received a text on his phone.

  
_Logan Crofters: Would you like us to pick you up?_

  
Virgil tossed his phone on the counter so he could change before replying. He striped off his sweat pants and pulled on his swim trunks, averting his eyes from the scars on his thighs that would convince him not to go. Well, at least they couldn’t see those.

  
He picked up his phone and sent a quick _yes_ while walking back into his room. He grabbed a bag and put a few essentials like his towel and sunscreen into it. A ding sounded from his phone.

  
_Logan Crofters: Satisfactory. We will be there in ten minutes if that is alright?_  
Virgil hurriedly typed out a response. _can you actually pick me up at the coffee shop? i dont want the others to know where im staying yet._

  
_Logan Crofters: Of course. If that will make you most comfortable._

  
Virgil pocketed his phone and finished packing his back so he could make it to the coffee shop on time. He didn’t want to delay the group. He slung the bag over his shoulder and grabbed his keys as he headed out.

Roman swirled his Frappuccino straw as he sat in the coffee shop waiting for Virgil to show up. “Is he going to come in that hoodie of his?”

  
Logan stared at him, a frown on his face. “Why would that matter?”

  
“Because it’ll be like a hundred degrees out. And we’re at the beach.”

  
“I don’t know kiddo, he could just take it off if he wants to go in the water--” Patton shook the sugar packet—“and maybe he won’t.”

  
Roman took a sip of his drink. “Why not?”

  
“Have you considered the possibility that he doesn’t know how to swim, or that open bodies of water scare him?” Logan paused, waiting for Roman to shake his head. “There are plenty of other reasons, Roman. But we won’t know unless he tells us.”

  
Roman slumped back into his chair. “I guess.” He murmured.

  
At that moment the bell sounded around the café. The boys turned towards the door, and they watched Virgil enter, wrapped up in his hoodie. Though only Logan noticed him flinch.

  
Virgil looked around a little before making eye contact with Patton. He headed over.

  
“Sorry I’m late.” Virgil rubbed the back of his neck. “Janus and Remy called and I had to answer.”

  
“Of course, that’s no problem my emo nightmare.” Virgil narrowed his eyes at Roman.

  
“Emo nightmare? Clever.” He snarked.

  
Roman put his hands up in surrender. “I’m just saying. But the lack of eyeshadow is a different look.

  
Virgil was hoping they wouldn’t notice. He had debated with himself for about 5 minutes. If he even decided to go in the water, eyeshadow was something he should not be wearing. So he decided against it. But for them to point it out that quickly? Today was going to be rough.

  
“Well I think it looks great kiddo. Do you want to get a drink before we all head out or do you just have wanna go?” Patton asked.

  
Virgil shook his head. “I’ve got water. So I’m fine.”

  
“Are you sure?” Logan asked.

  
“Yep.” Virgil watched as the boys gathered their belongings. They headed towards the door, and he trailed behind. “Let’s just get this over with.

The group approach a blue minivan as Patton pulled out a set of keys a pressed a button, unlocking the car.

  
“Ok, so I’m driving. Where are you all sitting?” Patton asked.

  
Roman threw his hand up. “I call shotgun!”

  
“Well I guess that settles it.” Patton said. “Pile on in guys.”

The drive to the beach was ultimately uneventful, with lots of singing from Roman and Patton. Logan had been reading his book, but every now and then he would check up on Virgil. He would peer over his book, watching Virgil listening to something that was obviously not Disney music through his headphones. Logan couldn’t tell you why he so careful with the boy sitting next to him. He could only assume it had something to do with those icky emotions he doesn’t like to deal with it. But it was apparent that Virgil was quickly becoming a good friend of his.

  
Logan felt Patton park so he quickly bookmarked his page and placed it in the bag in front of him.

  
Virgil slowly lowered his headphones around his neck. “We’re here?”

  
“Mhm! Let’s go have some fun!”

  
“Fun? We’ll see about that.” Virgil sighed.

Roman was having a blast right now. While Logan and Virgil stayed behind on the sand, Patton literally dragged Roman into the water. Patton was acting all innocent right now, but Roman was waiting for the attack. He’d been to the beach with Patton enough times to know that he always planned a water attack.

  
“Ro!” Patton shouted. “Look what I just found!” Patton turned around holding a shell as big as his hand.

  
“Wow! How did you find that?” Roman swam closer to get a better look.  
“My foot was on something smooth so I just bent down and grabbed it.” Patton beamed. “Do you want it?”

  
“Oh I couldn’t possibly take something you found Padre.”

  
“But I want you to have it.” Patton said, holding the shell out to him.

  
“Well, if that’s what you truly desire then I shall cherish it for the rest of my life.” Roman winked.

  
Patton chuckled. “Yay! Make sure you don’t lose it!”

  
“Lose it? Why would I lose it?”

  
Patton smiled, and he shoved water at Roman’s face.

  
Roman puttered, wiping the water off of his face. He pocketed the shell in his trunks and looked back at Patton. “Oh it is so on!”

Logan could tell Virgil was growing anxious. He was just sitting on his towel, huddled over in his hoodie and glaring at the other beach goers. Though Logan couldn’t blame him. People were staring at him.

  
Logan had been attempting to read his book, but he just couldn’t understand the nasty looks Virgil was getting. _Did hair color really matter that much?_

  
Apparently it did.

  
Logan drew the line when he saw a woman grab a blonde-haired child and hurry away from Virgil, like he was contagious or something.  
Logan slammed his book shut and dropped it on his towel.

Virgil saw a pair of legs in front of him, so he braced himself, flinching backwards. But the hit never came.

  
“Oh Virge…” he heard a voice whisper.  
Virgil watched as the person, Logan, sat in front of him. Logan reached out slowly, grabbing one of the hands that was holding his hood up. He lowered his hand to his legs.

  
He was quiet for a moment. “Are you ok?”

  
“Yeah,” Virgil croaked out. “I’m fine. Go play with Patton and Roman.” Virgil looked past Logan’s head. He could see the other two in the water in the middle of a water fight. Roman’s boisterous laugh was loud; it could be heard even from how far away they were.

  
“You don’t have to lie to me Virge. I can see the people staring at you.”

  
“I’m used to it.”

  
“You shouldn’t have to be.”

  
“I’m used to a lot of things Logan. It’s my normal.”

  
“But Virgil, you have nothing to be ashamed of.” Logan stated. “Your hair is your hair. And you can’t do anything about it.”

  
Virgil hung his head low. “Yeah, yeah I do have something to be ashamed of.”

  
Logan was confused to say the least. “What do yo-“

  
“My hair’s this color for a reason, ok?” Virgil interrupted, pointing at his black hair. “Have you ever been in a position where you feel trapped? Like you’re suffocating but hyperventilating at the same time? I felt like that all of the time growing up, and pain was how I dealt with it, ok? I couldn’t get _out._ And eventually I just became numb to it, numb to everything going on and I wanted to feel something, anything at all.”

  
Logan stared back at Virgil who was on the verge of tears. “Virgil, you don’t have to do this.”

  
“Great! I’ve just ruined your day. I’m sorry—” Virgil fumbled with his pockets before pulling out his phone— “I’m…I’m just gonna ask Janus to come pick me up.”

  
“No, stay!” Logan found himself saying. “At least stay with me. We can leave the beach if you want. Just don’t go.”

  
Virgil huffed. “You don’t want me here.”

  
“On the contrary, I do. You haven’t ruined anything. I just want to thank you for your honesty.” Logan smiled at the boy. “I can take you to a delicious sushi place if you’d like to get away from the beach for a bit, and you know, people.”

  
Virgil was confused. His own parents didn’t want him yet this almost stranger wanted him to stay. (Well, he couldn’t really call Logan a stranger after the “bedroom incident”)

“Umm, sure. I guess.” Virgil slowly put his phone away.

  
“I’ll lead the way then once I tell Patton where we’re going.” Logan stood up to leave.

  
“Wait, Logan?” Virgil stood up, effectively stopping him.

  
Logan adjusted his glasses. “What is it?”

  
Virgil took a deep breath. He couldn’t believe he was actually contemplating telling Logan this. But here he was, actually opening up to someone.

  
“My parents are in prison.”  
Logan froze, unsure if he heard that correctly. “Prison?”

  
“Yeah...

  
  


“Yeah because of me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know any questions, thoughts, or concerns in the comments down below!


	9. Over and Over and Over and Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: food, eating disorder, implied past abuse, prison system, Remus, cursing
> 
> Please let me know if I missed any in the comments down below!

Logan was skimming over the menu at the restaurant, but he could hardly focus on it. What did Virgil mean? _He_ put them in jail? That did not make any sense. Unless his parents were covering up for a crime Virgil committed, then he couldn’t have possibly caused their jailing. The wording made no logical sense. Did Virgil blame himself for the imprisonment?

  
Logan looked over at Virgil who was sitting next to him in the brown leather booth. Virgil had specifically requested one, and Logan wasn’t going to question that. He already learned that somethings Virgil did made it easier for him to live without constant paranoia.

  
  


“Do you know what you want yet?” Logan asked.

  
“Honestly, I’ve ne… never had sushi before.” Virgil shrugged. “I have no idea what… what any of this is.”

  
Logan cocked his head. Sushi was quite common in Florida, so to not even know what a California roll was, that was strange. “Ah, that’s completely ok. Is there any type of fish or seafood that you like?”

  
“I’m not sure.” Virgil scratched at the back of his neck before shrugging. “I also haven’t really had se…seafood before.”

  
Logan frowned, that was even stranger. “Well, I’ll be happy to pick a few quote-unquote beginner ones, and then you could also try a couple of mine if you’d like.”

  
“Umm…” Virgil hunched in on himself, resting his chin on his hand. “Yeah sure, I guess.” Virgil swirled his straw around the glass cup. He looked uncomfortable, though Logan couldn’t blame him.

  
Logan gave his hand a small squeeze before grabbing an ordering sheet out of the side holder. He quickly scanned the list before making a few selections. For Virgil, he picked out three California rolls, three Philadelphia rolls, three Boston rolls, and three Spider rolls. For himself, he picked six Tiger rolls and six Rainbow rolls. He also marked off a side of steamed rice for the both of them. He then flipped the signal at the end of the table and placed the menu in it.

  
“You know,” he started, turning his attention to Virgil who was on his phone reading who knows what, “one of the reasons I enjoy dining here is because of the minimal social interactions with strangers.”

  
Virgil turned off his phone and looked up. “What do you mean?”

  
“Well, because I turned the signal at the table upside down, a server knows to come and get the ticket. They take it back to the kitchen and that’s it. The only interaction with the server was when we first got our drinks and when they give us the check. Though if we do require assistance of any sorts, we just flip the the signal again and then they will come around.”

  
“That’s… different.” Virgil appreciated the idea.

  
“The owners put quite the emphasis on privacy and comfort.” Logan sighed. “It’s quite refreshing, for those with introverted tendencies.”

  
Virgil looked around the restaurant. Logan was right, the restaurant screamed comfort. The walls were a muted brown and the atmosphere was calm. Every patron could have a conversation with the person across from them without having to shout.

  
It was quite different from the beach, where everyone judged him. Here, the only person that was paying attention to him was Logan. Though he could still feel the tension from his earlier statement. Something was off, and it was his fault.

  
“I’m really sorry about earlier.” Virgil whispered, tugging his hood lower on his head.

  
Logan turned to face Virgil. “Why are you sorry? You were expressing yourself through the level of trust I have been able to establish with you. If Patton were here he would be telling you to never apologize for your feelings.”

  
“I just feel like I’ve put you in an awkward position.” Virgil explained. And he had. He knew he did the from the moment they started walking over here. Their walk was quiet, as if there were things that needed to be said but couldn’t.

  
“I don’t feel like you’ve done that.” Logan tried to reassure him. “Sure, I have questions, but I’m only going to ask them once you’re comfortable with me asking.”

  
“I’m not sure when that will be.” Virgil started to pick at the end of his sleeves. “Shit happened.”

  
“I can understand that.” Logan paused for a moment. “Well, I can’t understand your exact situation, but I can understand that feeling of helplessness.”  
“How?”

  
“I was Valedictorian at my public Miami high school, and fast tracked my way to AP classes in ninth grade via testing out. I was a prime candidate for any upperclassman that needed to release some anger. From punches to just overall aggression, I’m not sure how long I could’ve handled it if Roman and Patton hadn’t been there. So I guess the better question would be what differentiated our two situations.”

  
Virgil couldn’t stop the snort that escaped past his lips. “Oh I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean... I just... Your trauma is valid. I mean, all trauma is valid. We just have two _very_ different types of trauma. I’m... I’m really sorry that happened to you.” Virgil rambled out an apology.

  
Logan offered a smile, “It’s in the past now. I just can’t help but feel that yours... is not.”

  
Logan could not have been more right. Virgil’s parents were still fighting their sentence, and their lawyer wasn’t backing down either. A new trial date was being arranged because of an appeal. So, Virgil was going to have to relive the entire thing all over again, all by himself. And he hated it, that his parents could still control him, that they still had power over him.

  
Virgil looked Logan in the eyes, “No, no it’s not.”

  
——————————————————————————————————————————————-

  
Roman and Patton were laying on their towels, resting on the beach when Roman’s phone started ringing from his bag. Roman ran to retrieve it, immediately answering when he saw the caller ID.

  
“Hello? Remus?”

  
“Hello Princey! So, here’s what I’m thinking. You, me—” Roman sat back down next to Patton— “the boys, we all do a friendsgiving since we both know Mom is going to be working.”

  
“Remus… It’s September. Thanksgiving is months from now.”

  
“It is never too early to start planning my dearest little dork.”

  
Roman let out a chuckle. “I’m older than you.”

  
“Ah, but you missed the point. Did you know dork meant whale penis?”

  
“I- wow I cannot believe I forgot how unpredictable you are.”

  
“Better to be weird than boring!”

  
“But I promise I will check with them and see what they think. Did you need anything else?”

  
“Nope! Tell that boy toy of yours I said hey.”

  
“Patton is not a boy toy!” Roman hissed.  
Remus giggled, “Yet you knew exactly who I was talking about.”

  
“Well you most certainly weren’t talking about Logan.” Roman scoffed. Logan didn’t do feelings.

  
“Get your fingers out of the blender Roman, I was just ruffling your feathers. Talk to you later stupid!”

  
“Have a nice evening Dukey.” And then he hung up. Roman let out a sigh. Conversations with his brother were always draining. He never knew what would come out of his mouth.

  
Patton rolled on his side. “What did your brother want?”

  
“He just wanted my opinion on an idea.”  
Patton arched a brow, “An idea? What was it this time? Arson?”

  
“Actually, he wanted our input on doing a Friendsgiving instead of a Thanksgiving.”

  
“Really? I didn’t take him for an earlier planner.”

  
“I think he might just be lonely. With me at college and mom always working, all he has to talk to is his cat.”

  
“What about his friends?”

  
“He doesn’t really have any. Except for an online friend he met through Instagram. Goes by the name Deceit.”

  
“Why don’t you invite him out here sometime before November. We could come get him early from school and give him the unofficial tour!”

  
“That sounds like a great idea. But I’ll ask him later, I think he went back to gaming with Deceit.”

  
“Well, at least he has someone. Maybe they’ll meet someday.”

  
——————————————————————————————————————————————-

  
Virgil could only stare at the tray in front of him. He had never seen food so… colorful?

  
“Virgil, is something wrong?”

  
“They’re just, bright.”

  
“Bright?”

  
“Yeah, they’re colorful. I didn’t realize food could look like this.”

  
“Fresh food does tend to look quite beautiful.”

  
“I didn’t get a lot of home cooked meals.” Virgil sighed. “But, on another note.” Virgil picked up the packet of chopsticks laying next to his plate. “How do you use these?”

  
Logan chuckled. “You don’t have to use those if you don’t want to.”

  
Virgil frowned. He didn’t know much about Chinese and Japanese culture, but he was pretty sure sushi was meant to be eaten with chopsticks. “Isn’t it part of the experience though?”

  
“Well yes, traditionally people eat sushi via chopsticks but you can use your fingers.” Logan explained.

  
“Oh, then I guess I’ll just do that.”

  
Logan picked up his pair of chopsticks, twirling them for a few seconds. He stared down at them as he spoke. “To be frank, I do not have the best handle on chopsticks. So I would not be the best teacher.”

  
Virgil sat there for a moment, not sure of what do eat first. But he also didn’t want to be the first to eat. When he was being raised, if he ate first, he got punished. He had to make sure that his parents had exactly what they needed before he was even allowed to sit down. So he waited until Logan took his first bite.

  
“Are you ok?” Logan asked?

  
“Yeah I’m fine.”

  
“If I chose wrong we can always ask for different ones. I just noticed you weren’t eating.”

  
“Oh no, it’s fine... I was just, waiting?”  
“What were you waiting for?”

  
“For you take the first bite. It’s impolite to eat before others.” Virgil recited. Ma’am, or who he was once allowed to call mom, made sure he remembered that.

  
“Well, some may believe that, however I do not believe that is the case, so please feel free to eat whenever you need or want to.”

  
“Oh... ok” Virgil carefully took a bite of the closest one to him.

  
Logan thought for a moment, “Was that a rule your parents taught you?”

  
“Among many, yes.” Virgil took another bite of the sushi he had. “Oh my god. This is really good! What is it?”

  
“That’s a California Roll.” Logan replied

  
“It’s the best thing I ever had.”

  
“That’s the one my parents started me out on. Going from top to bottom are the Philadelphia Rolls, Boston Rolls, Spider Rolls, and then the ones you just ate. My parents like to make Boston Rolls.”

  
“Your parents make sushi? Where’d they learn to do that?”

  
“Probably from my grandparents.”

  
“I feel like I’m missing something here.”

  
“Oh, yes. I am adopted, my parents are of Japanese descent, so if I remember correctly, they learned from their parents, and I learned from them.”

  
“That’s, that’s actually really cool.”

  
“I could show you sometime, how to make them, if you would like.”

  
“If the rest of these are as good as the first, absolutely.”

  
Logan could feel his cheeks warm up as he cleared his throat and resumed eating.

The two continued to eat, with Virgil remarking on the sushi every now and then. Honestly he was amazed at how good food could taste. It was one of the few times where he didn’t feel the urge to erase what he just ate. Sushi was hands down his favorite food.

Logan placed his napkin on the table.  
“If you w-“ Virgil jumped at the sudden noise, knocking his water over in surprise and spilling water onto the table and into his lap.

  
“Shit! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” Virgil quickly picked up the glass and tried wiping up the water with his napkin.

  
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean to. Please don’t.” Virgil continued to apologize profusely.

  
“Virgil, it’s ok. Accidents happen.” Logan grabbed his napkin and moved to help Virgil, but he flinched backward.

  
“Please don’t hit me. I promise I’ll do better.” Virgil whispered.

  
“Oh Vee, no one is going to hurt you.” Logan tried to reassure him, but all Virgil could hear over the ringing in his ears were his own pleas.

  
He kept whispering it over and over again: “I promise I’ll be a good boy. I’ll be a good boy. Please don’t hurt me.” Over and

  
over and

Over and

  
  


Over and

  
  


**over**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I apologize for the delay in the update! I also apologize for how short this chapter is and the weird ending. I planned for it to be longer but life got in the way with college applications. The next chapter will definitely be better. Let me know your thoughts about this one and any questions you have!


	10. What a Young Boy Should Not Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Panic Attack, Food mention, referencing abuse, abuse scars and bruises, implied past sexual abuse, murder threat, implied rape. 
> 
> If I missed anything, please let me know in the comments!!!
> 
> Also! If you do not want to read the abusive situation Virgil is in, please skip the flashback marked in the text by flashback start and flashback end. The flashback is in italics

Logan didn’t understand what was happening. Here Virgil was, absolutely panicking over a spilt glass of water. Maybe it was his anxiety going on overdrive, but even that didn’t seem probable. Logan did one of the only thing that made sense. He scanned the floor for a waiter and made eye contact with a blonde girl. “Go get Chef Crofters from the back,” he told her. And the waitress quickly hurried into the kitchen.

Logan turned his attention back to Virgil, and he was not looking good. Virgil’s hands were threaded in his hair and he was yanking at it. Virgil had somehow managed to make himself as small as possible, pressing his back into the corner of the booth and the wall. “Virgil, look at me. I need you to look at me.” He pleaded, but Virgil continued to bury his head into his legs. Logan desperately wanted to just reach out and bring his hands away from his hair but with Virgil’s last reaction, he didn’t think that was smart.

Virgil kept murmuring, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“You did absolutely nothing wrong.” Logan tried to reassure him. “It’s just some water. No harm, no foul.”

“I... I didn’t mean to sir. It was an accident. I promise I will do better. I’ll be a good boy.” Virgil whispered out in response.

Logan’s eyes grew to the size of saucers as his mind processed what he just heard. _Virgil just called me sir. Who the hell is sir?_

  
“Virgil please just look at me.” Virgil locked eyes with Logan. And that’s when he knew. His eyes held the deepest hurt Logan had ever seen.

—————————(flashback start)———————————————————————————————————

_”I said I was sorry!” Ten year old Virgil gasped out. His hands were clutching his chest as he had just spilt water onto the table, soaking his plate of food, as well as the guest they had over._

_“What did I tell you boy about raising your voice?” Ma’am spoke quietly._

_“I’m... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”_

_“Doesn’t matter if you didn’t mean to. You still did and actions have consequences.” Sir snapped._

_Sir sat back in his chair as he spoke to his friend. “I sincerely apologize for this idiot’s mistake. Do whatever you want with him.”_

_“Whatever I want?—“ The guest stood up and grabbed Virgil by his deep brown hair, pulling him away from the table and up the stairs— “We’re gonna have some fun tonight boy.”_

_Sir called after her, “Make sure he doesn’t scream or the neighbors might call the police”_

_The guest threw Virgil into what acted as the place Virgil slept. He fell to the floor with a hard ‘smack’ as his face collided with the tile beneath him. He knew what was coming. Sometime sir and ma’am would leave him alone with this man._

_“Get up! You’ve been a very bad boy and it’s time for you to learn.” The guest said as Virgil was scrambling to get to his feet._

_Virgil stood up, tears streaming down his face. “I promise I’ll be a good boy. I promise!”_

_“That’s exactly right bitch. You’re gonna do exactly as I say and maybe I won’t tell your parents to lock you up in the basement.”_

_“Yes sir...” Virgil whispered out. The man shoved Virgil against the wall, face first, back exposed._

_The man quickly unbuckled his belt and whipped it off of his waist with a flourish. He wrapped it around Virgil’s head, pulling it tight to gag his mouth._

_“No one can hear you scream if you can’t scream in the first place.” The man whispered._

_The man easily untied Virgil’s too big sweatpants and watched as they dropped to the floor. Bruises from his moms belt from the could be seen littering his lower back. The man then yanked down Virgil’s underwear, rubbing his hands over Virgil’s scarred ass._

_Virgil heard the zipper of the man’s pants and the man shuffling around for a moment as he braced for what was going to happen._

_“Make any noise, and I swear to god I’ll kill you.” The man snapped as he pressed Virgil’s face harder into the wall._

_Virgil was frozen, forcing himself to stay quiet._

_And then there was pain._

_So much pain.  
_

—————————(Flashback end)———————————————————————————————————

At this point Virgil was going to pass out if Logan didn’t do anything, as his pleas were obviously not working. So Logan went to work.  
He had read in a few different places that touch was very grounding to people having panic attacks, and that you should the person in your arms like he had done in Virgil’s bedroom. However he didn’t want to cross any barriers with the frightened man.  
Logan slowly reached out to unthread Virgil’s hands from his hair, and after struggling for a bit, he released his grip on his hair. Logan brought Virgil’s hands down to the seat cushion of the booth between them and began rubbing slow circles into the backs of his hands. And then Logan just started talking.

He talk about everything from the latest book he was reading to his favorite color to why he chose his major. Anything that Virgil could latch onto and focus on. Even the most minute detail could be the thing that Virgil finds reality in. When he noticed the Virgil seemed to be coming down from the highest part of his attack, enough so that he could most likely speak, Logan went into his next phase.

“Virgil,” Logan addressed him directly, “everything will be ok. Just listen to my voice and pay attention to the feeling in your hands. Can you do that for me?”

Virgil nodded, so Logan continued. “Before I was adopted I lived in an orphanage with about seven other kids. I only have a few memories from then, as I was there until I was 8. However there’s one that I think I will remember forever. I can tell you about it if you like, but only if you want me to. Or we can just sit here like this until you’re ok. Whichever you prefer.”

Logan wanted to give him an choice to remind him that he was the one in control, and that he was allowed to speak for himself.

“What happens in your memory?” Virgil asked, sitting up slightly.

“Well, I think I was either 6 or 7 when this happened, but I was at the swings in the beak yard reading my book when I heard a strange noise. It didn’t sound like any of the kids, so when I went to investigate, I was in utter disbelief that a small cat had found its way into the slide. Of course, they were so small that the jump down to the sand was quite large. Thinking I was a hero, I quickly scooped up the cat and brought them to Nan’s attention. Nan was a sweet older lady mind you, and she couldn’t refuse my pleas to keep the cat. So the cat had been with the orphanage ever since.” Logan finished his little memory and looked back at Virgil who was staring at him with a look of confusion on his face.

“Is there something on my face?”

“What’s the moral of this memory?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Should I be learning something from this?”

Logan chuckled. “No. I merely told you it to help you with your panic attack, which I think worked based on you attention to my memory.”

“Oh... Yeah. I’m sorry about that. I’m sure I ruined everything.”

“On the contrary I don’t think you did.” A woman said as she approached their booth.

Virgil wasn’t sure who this woman was, but he assumed she was some sort of customer. She had black hair tied up into a bun, a black t-shirt, and a pair of jeans on. Her face was framed by a pair of glasses similar to Logan’s.

“So Logan, Marley came back saying you needed me?”

“Yes. I apologize for the disruption from you work, I just thought I needed your help. Though it doesn’t seem to be the case anymore.”

Virgil looked back and forth between the two before it clicked.

“Your mom works here?” Virgil asked.

Logan and who Vigil now assumed to be Mrs. Crofters looked at him.

“Logan who is this nice young man that you’ve brought here without telling your own mother?”

“Yes Virgil, this is my mother, Chef Crofters—“

“—You can just call me Dianna sweetie.”

Logan gestured to Virgil“And mom this is Virgil, he’s a new friend of mine.”

“It’s nice to meet you Mrs. Crofters.” Virgil said, not daring to call her by her first name and be seen as disrespectful. “I’m sorry that I caused a disturbance. It wasn’t my intention.”

“It’s all good kiddo! Don’t apologize for your feelings or emotions. They’re natural.”

Virgil frowned slightly. “Are you and Patton brothers?”

“No. Why do you ask?” Logan replied.

“Your mom talks like him. Or I guess he speaks like her.” Virgil shrugged.

She chuckled. “Ohhhh no Patton picked that up from me and my husband with how much time he spent with us growing up. His parents travel a lot for their job so when he was younger he would stay at either our home or the Princes’ home,” Mrs. Crofters explained.

“Patton never mentioned that,” Virgil said.

“You just haven’t spent enough time with use yet. Trust me he’ll end up talking about it. He loves family after all.” Logan turned to his mom. “But we are all ok now. Thank you for coming out.”

“Of course! I’m always here if you need me. Just give me a ring when you get home. I’d love to talk to my other boys.”

“We’re gonna head out then. The other two are still at the beach. We just wanted to get away from people for a while.” Logan explained as he pulled out his wallet and left a 20 on the table to pay for their meals.

“Logan you put that back in your wallet. You are my son and you will not be paying for the food I could give you at home.”

Logan glared at his mom as he pocketed the cash. “Just because you and father own the place does not mean I do not have to pay. That’s how one goes bankrupt.”

“We’re doing just fine financially Lo, now off you run. And tell the boys I said hi.” His mom went back to kitchen, leaving the boys alone.

“Ready to go?”

“...I’m exhausted Logan. Can we go home?”

“We just have to get the other two first.” Logan heard a ding come from his pocket. He pulled out his phone to see a message from Roman.

_Roman Prince: Hey Logan! Hope you’re having a fun meal with the emo. Pat and I are pretty wiped out for the day. You guys almost done?_

_Logan: We’re done with our meal so we will head back to the beach._

_Roman Prince: Cool! See you then <3  
_

Logan sighed as he pocketed his phone with a click. “They’ll be waiting for us when we get back.” Logan slid out of the booth, extending a hand towards Virgil. “Shall we?”

Virgil took his hand.

“Yeah.”

————————————————————————————————————————————

“What did our favorite boys say?” Patton asked as Roman set down his phone.

“Logan said they were on their way back.” Roman said before playfully pinching Patton’s shoulder. “I thought I was your favorite!”

“Well of course you are! All three of you are.” Patton flopped on his back so he could stare up at the clouds. “Are you ready for the musical audition?”

“Oh yes, I’m so excited for it! It’s gonna be amazing,” Roman sighed while copying Patton.

“I know you’ll do great.”

“You should audition to you know. And before you say anything—“ Roman sat up to stare at the man— “you are definitely talented enough to do so.”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

“Even if you don’t, I can’t wait for you to see the performance.”

Patton smiled at Roman. “I’ll be there every night. I promise!”

And Roman felt his heart flutter for a moment.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first Sanders Sides fan fiction, so I hope you all enjoy! Let me know what you think in the comments down below!
> 
> Updates at least three times a month(hopefully)
> 
> Join the discord!  
> https://discord.gg/JcbRPGEShR


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